I have had, one hell of a day. I mean, really…one of those days that challenges you like crazy. In fact, this week has been one hell of a week in general. Ups, downs, rivers, valleys, dragons, demons, mountains, victories and defeats. I’ve lived this week for sure. I’ve really lived.
I am in the most unique place I have ever been in my entire life. It was only a couple of months ago that I had my entire world uprooted by my coaches…and yet despite the handful of weeks of uncertainty, loss of balance and center…that process benefitted me like none other. I was off. I mean…I really lost form for a minute like pouring water out of a bucket. My boundaries were demolished and I was opened up. Despite all of this, I knew I would find my center again, and when I did, my roots shot down so far deep into the ground and spread so wide I couldn’t even be able to locate where they have all gone. I had the rug ripped out from underneath me…which they did on purpose…everything trembled and I had to find much needed support and nourishment in myself, but when I did…things began to change and I found something I had always felt was there but never knew how to really tap into it.
Life works in mysterious ways.
My day taught me a few very valuable lessons. In fact, maybe this could be said about many of my days lately. Whatever comes up, work through it. Don’t toss it aside, don’t try to rise above it, don’t try to transcend it…no, work with it. Get real up close and personal with those feelings. Feelings arise uncontrollably from the depths of our hearts…to think that you can outsmart this or to control it is, well, humorous. I really do challenge you to try to control them! Our deepest power comes from getting personal with our emotions…to understand how they change and shift in front of us, to see what they may be hiding deep underneath the surface…and then, our greatest gift is to be able to make a decision about what to do next.
I spent a lot of time so disconnected from what was really going on inside because I knew how intense some of those emotions were. Sometimes, this still happens to me quite often, those emotions do arise…and oh boy are they intense. Intensity though is not a bad thing if we really start to get a good look at what it really means in regards to feeling. When something you are going through is intense, it signals a degree of need or caring that is deep inside. And oh do I care…I mean I really care. So it really is no surprise to me now that there are intense emotions that come to the surface when there are certain challenges in front of me. These emotions are not there to hurt me…they are there to guide me. “Evan…pay attention to what I am trying to tell you.” No, emotions will never directly come out and tell you what is up…but they can head you in the right direction if you take the time to listen to them and not ignore them. Anyways, that’s what I’ve been up to with that – the developing of a relationship with my emotions, instead of just being controlled by them.
I wrote earlier that I am in an interesting place…and even writing this gives me goosebumps and chills at times…but whatever “this place is” and the way things are – not the uncertainty of the day to day – but I’m talking about the things that exist, my life, how I show up in the world, the people around me, the past…that’s all about to drastically change. I’ve spent many years taking a part of deepening…not improvement, and have discovered something that I never could have ever predicted. For the past month, I have been working on this, and I stare at the screen and look at the conservative projections and go…”This could absolutely change my life…this could absolutely rewrite my entire history.” Honestly, for the past week, while working I have been struck with some nervous anticipation and had to actually step away from the project altogether to clear my head. There were some more pressing matters that I had to spend some time with…and yet it’s there – built – and ready for me to go through my final checks and press the launch button.
Nothing will ever be the same.
It’s a strange feeling having a dream that isn’t under control really. Because honestly I spent a lot of time in the past goal setting and working on progress…only to arrive at this place now, rooted in purpose and discovering a feeling that is completely and utterly different than anything else i have done. I don’t usually share my dreams that often because the dreams I have, after a pretty personal experience last year before I left for LA are not really the typical times of dreams you hear about. These dreams are moments of, what I have described to a few who know me deeply, “pre-dejavu” moments. I never know quite when they will happen, but they always do. Sometimes in a day, sometimes in a month or in a year, but they always happen.
There was a dream I had a while ago, where I was walking down the road…the only thing that was illuminated…and everything around this road was pitch black. Pitch black, with millions of eyes watching every single direction and movement I made. They just followed me, watching…blinking…watching. Right before I woke up…I remember having the question, or maybe I even heard it…”Are you ready for that?” At the time, that freaked me out a bit because it sat in my gut for a few weeks. But now being here…having built what I have and ready to press go…I am ready for that. I am ready. I am.
I am not a perfect man by a long shot. I am not trying to hide anything though. I expose the pretty and the not so pretty about myself. Why? Because I am working through these things. I am allowing myself to dive into the ugly places and appreciate the amazing times that I have had. I am living…not surviving. I am experiencing…not controlling.
It’s easier for my close circle to tell you about how much I have changed over the past 4 years, probably my best friend who has been there since day 1 could really talk your ear off…but the thing is, I know a few things about myself now that I really never knew before. I’ve even discovered a few incredibly important things recently and they have added a massive amount of heart and value to my living. This is my time to go, to say goodbye.
The nature of The Better Man Project because of the developing and the blooming of another dream may change in the near future. It may not look the same, or even may morph into something else completely. That’s the way it is with all things right? Things are born and eventually they change and pass. My commitment to writing will live on until the day I die – that’s been a commitment I’ve made that I will never break. Just trust that I can bring something even grander out of this…to allow this to change and adapt into something else with positive intention and heart.
As for me, I’m leaving as well. Today, just was one of those days when you just know that it’s time. And it is that time. It’s that time to let a new dream sprout…to let the old release and pass…and to take care of what’s inside. Sometimes, I can fool myself into thinking my way out of something, but the truth is, I know better. I know when I’m stalling…and I know when it’s time to go.
This is not goodbye…just a future hello.
– Evan Sanders