Having my best friend here this past weekend came right on time. I mean, I call him every single day and he pretty much knows every detail of what is going on in my life, but actually having him here to talk to was incredibly uplifting and healing. There are only a few people who really believe in me like him – speaking of someone who has deeply seen me. I guess, according to others, the deep relationship I have with him is incredibly rare almost to the point of unheard of. I guess that continues the list of reasons why I am incredibly lucky.
There’s a storm coming. Over this past month I’ve found something inside of myself that has started to manifest itself in something that the entire world can see. Years and years of work, frustration, anticipation and learning are all coming to a single point when I turn everything on and bring out my deepest purpose. This storm, if I do what I need to do correctly, could not just encourage thousands, but millions. Tens to hundreds of millions. I can feel that massive wave behind me pushing my every single day, and yet I am trying my best to stay in my little boat – focused, calm, and breathing as I keep ahead of it into unknown waters. I have absolutely no idea how I came across the picture above, but there isn’t a more accurate representation of how I am feeling right now.
There’s a way. There’s always a way.
I can do this. I know I can. I’ve had to keep telling myself that for a month straight no matter what has been going on in my life. I would be completely lying to you if I told you I haven’t been challenged…in fact it seems like the ending of all of the past few years are starting something new…incredibly new, exciting, magnificent, and with all of that comes a massive amount of responsibility.
I am not a perfect man…I will never ever present myself to be one. I have my demons that I have to fight every single day. I make mistakes. I screw up consistently. I am far from perfect. I never want to be actually. But despite the fact that I am deeply flawed man, I really do love deeply as well. I love my heart out. I throw my heart into people and do my best to lift them when they can’t make footsteps themselves. This density of my emotions are sometimes to much for others to handle, but I sometimes if I was built that way by the hands that hold the stars to not just only love one, but to love crowds…massive crowds of people in a way they have never felt before.
Maybe the structure and reason why I have been fashioned isn’t for any simple reason. I don’t know? All I know is that I feel very different at times – not in an egotistical way, but just…different. Odd, a little bit nuts, a whole bucketload of loving and often goofy as hell. Maybe I just never lost the little kid who dances and plays inside of me.
These past few years have been quiet has I have learned to discover the magic inside of me. I’ve tried massive adventures and failed miserably, been stripped of people I love, been pounded – what it felt like at times – by the hammer of the heavens itself, and had the world around me quiet down so I could start to hear the little voice inside that only whispers – never shouts.
All of this time spent listening instead of speaking has led me to this point, a point where I know that everything is about to change. There’s a strange tension in me that almost feels like torque to be honest. I don’t know why torque came to mind, but it’s a twisting motion. That feeling has changed my body, has changed my soul, and has changed my heart on many different things. As much as I have been tested lately, there have been dramatic shifts in how I have been viewing these situations. Despite any amount of pain, there is an overwhelming amount of love and support that flows from me. There’s no bitterness. There’s no regret. These negative attitudes have dripped from me as if they were never going to come back. That’s a pretty interesting feeling when you can experience yourself oozing out old feelings and at the same time filling up with new positive emotions.
My life is an absolute representation of the calm before the storm right now. Whenever you are about to be in a big storm, there’s this tension in the sky and earth. It’s something that’s very hard to describe but oh you can feel it in your bones. I have this feeling in mine…and the weather is beautiful right now. But the weather of my soul is on the brink of change, and I get the feeling of unleashing something. Something that has been waiting to come out for a very, very long time.
A couple more weeks and I will arrive.
A couple more weeks…and everything changes.
– Evan Sanders