Sometimes when I write I keep my eyes closed and type, listening to the keys pattering away and try to feel into the digital paper. Clean white space ready to be filled up with whatever is in my heart. There are many things in there right now. There are many beautiful things, a sense of unfolding, a reclamation of heart itself…I feel nourished, I feel deeply connected and loved…I am working on developing a passion thats reach can far extend past anything I have ever even imagined. That dream is right in front of me and I am living it daily.
There’s so much deepening going on, and at times, there are some intense shooting feelings that zap their way straight into my stomach and I lose my appetite. It takes me an hour or two to regain my hunger…but that feeling is overwhelming at times and I have to go back to this…”Breathe kid…breathe.”
Life can be a burden or a blessing.
We are all faced with challenges that force us to keep our heads up…or drag our heads down. Those are really, when it comes down to it, the two options we have when we are faced with obstacles. Keep your head up despite the circumstances and work towards healing and growth, or keep your head down in defeat and stagnancy. I’ve done both. I’ve spent a lot of time throughout my life keeping my head down in shame, fear, and anxiety. When you pull your head down, don’t ever think that it will only just effect your line of sight…no, it begins to drag your heart down as well. Your attitude will fall and the rest of you will start to sink into anxiety and fear. Fear is what keeps us from keeping our eyes up and looking at the world as it is. You can’t hide from this bi**h when it’s hard. Remember the wolves I was talking about yesterday? Decide to do that and you will be chased by that dark wolf…teeth glistening and mouth watering.
We’ve all have had the wind knocked out of us, rug pulled from under us, and from time to time beaned in the head by a wild pitch…but I’ve resolved to always get back up from the dirt as fast as I can. Do I have my moments of weakness? You bet. I am an incredibly fallible man. I make mistakes day after day after day after day. But I course correct constantly. I make little adjustments. I fine tune. I learn from my mistakes and make efforts to move in a positive direction.
But man some of these things that are thrown at me are hard.
Maybe I’ll say it again…”breathe kid…breathe.” I have, quite often, looked up at the sky and asked “I know you got me…but really with this? Like seriously?!” Haha…it does make me laugh from time to time at the things that happen that I know are far from coincidence…but in the end I know that I am growing and shaping into something that I am supposed to be.
I guess the quote above is really how I am feeling right now. There’s a leaning beyond what I am really comfortable with right now. Whether it’s learning about people, interacting with those around me, diving into meditation, reading handfuls of books every week, or even tapping into some unresolved things in my life…I am leaning. I’m leaning into it and it has my coaches all saying…”It sounds like you are right in the thick of it.”
I feel like I am in the thick of it. Where’s the weed-wacker? The truth is, I am letting go. I’m letting go of a lot of things and just watching them float away. You never know how the winds are going to turn, and maybe, one day, some of those things will come back around again if it’s right. But I’ve let them go…and as difficult as it may be, I still smile as I’ve sent them off.
– Evan Sanders