These past couple of days have been, well, interesting. There’s this feeling floating in my stomach that I don’t really know how to explain. It’s not nervousness, it’s not pain, it’s nothing that I can really put a specific word to – positive or negative. It’s like…there’s this calmness to everything, this stillness…and I know it doesn’t have anything to do with the world, oh no, it’s just me.
I’m calm. I’m still.
We are very fickle creatures. This isn’t something that should surprise you. Everything moves and shifts within us on an instant and holy hell are we bombarded with all sorts of things. The challenges never stop. Never. It always surprises me that people are so amazed that I can find something to write about every day. I always think to myself, “How could you not? I mean good lord in the past 5 minutes I could have 10 topics to write about just knowing the stuff that is going on in my mind.”
That’s the truth of it. Moments like today have given me a strong reminder what it really feels like to be exposed and completely vulnerable to everything. Ever since school started, I have spent day after day stripping away the unnecessary and equally as many days learning. The stack of flash cards that I had (started with 10) that had the written statements of what I was supposed to consider for the year has grown to over 400. While it takes me about 15 minutes to go through all of them, this is a visual testament to all of the things I am learning. It’s making a difference…one hell of a difference. At times, I am still raw, but I can feel everything around me, in many ways…healing.
Something about today made me think back to one of the women I was working with in my coaching course during a session…she said to me, “I’ve never seen so deeply, and found so much joy and so much pain in someones eyes.” Not really a small statement. When I came out of my first session at school, and I threw myself into a state of learning and practicing every day, I felt this oozing of that pain start to come out of me. It landed in my writing, it flooded my meditation, it seeped everywhere…but not in the way you would expect it to. I am sure at times, because I am just as infallible (if not more) than anyone else it affected those around me in negative ways, and for those mistakes I completely own – but it mostly started creating an atmosphere where I could really become the War Painter.
You know, the painter that goes into war zones and paints beautiful portraits of famous battles with his brush. I guess I’ve started to paint these scenes of my life that until this point haven’t had a single brushstroke applied to them.
And yet, through off of this, and there have been some pretty big challenges, some of which I still face daily, there’s been an absence of fear. It’s like I am supposed to be here – supposed to be in this place where I am oozing out and soaking up all of these different things. My life is an interesting balance of osmosis and secretion at the moment.
Where is my heart in all of this?
I guess that’s a question I have been coming to the table with every single day. The more surface level questions are debatable, but in truth, I know exactly where it is. I know the depth of it’s understanding of what’s actually going on with me. While some of these things seem new, it knows better. It has always guided me and refuses to lead me astray. My mind can say what it wants about things at times, but 90% of the time I function through a depth of feeling that only a few have understood well. I am glad they understand…because at times I don’t.
I am fine. I am moving. I am growing. I am unfolding. I am deepening. These things are all happening and at such a perfect pace it’s hard to believe some of the things that are coming up. In time, I will speak about those specifically…but only when I feel driven to really dive deep into those topics. For me, I have to trust that feeling…the “pulling” for more to be able to write about very specific things in my life. It’s not that I am afraid to – far from it – it’s just that there’s a time and a place for those stories, and when the feeling is right I always dive into them.
Everything with me is moving forward. It’s beautiful. I’ve left some things behind, but that’s okay. As I know how life works, everything in time comes back around. All that is left is smiles.
– Evan Sanders