Tonight I sit here in my kitchen writing under these little white Christmas lights that glow away sparking incredible memories. I haven’t written in here in some time, but something about these lights tonight are deeply resonating with me inside. Memories of smiles. Memories of feeling these vibrations within that I couldn’t even put words to (impressive for a writer). Memories of deep eyes and warmth. I’m sitting here tonight smiling. I’m sitting here tonight full.
It’s been a theme of my entire life that I’ve been taught the lessons I most needed to learn whenever I really didn’t want to learn them. That theme has made no changes in plans over the past couple of months, and for that – while the struggle was real at points – I thank it for it’s merciless timeliness. I’ve always appreciated people and things that showed up on time, and well this is no exception.
Everything always happens at once. In a way that’s pretty beautiful. In a way that’s one of the most challenging things you will ever come across. For me, it consistently knocks me on my ass and causes me really to catch my breath and start looking up again. These moments can either tear us apart or they can bring out the best in us. A long time ago, I would fall apart at the seams and my life would be dripping with every negative emotion in the world. I guess if there was ever a specific testament to how much my life has changed from writing almost every single day, it’s that my approach to those “knocked on your ass” moments has morphed drastically.
We all suffer. We all go through pain. We cry, we grieve, we hurt…but those are only fleeting emotions and thoughts that come and go throughout our minds. It’s true that some situations take a little bit longer to let go of than others – I am no fool I understand that we feel deeply and those feelings take a little while to come out of us. But I have come to realize that just as much as one thing sucks, it doesn’t tear apart the whole of your life. Like a bucket in a fist of water, put it in and it rises a little, pull it out and it returns back to its original state.
But why tonight? Why do these little lights that I turn on every single night, the same lights that have made me smile time and time again…why are these ones so special tonight? to be honest, I am not really sure. I see them and while I’ve seen them for days on end, I guess they really spoke to how this heart of mine is feeling. Warm. Full. But most importantly, open. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do when we are hurting – close off to the world. But through everything, I’ve managed to not only stay open, despite my shaking at times, but to open myself even further. To unfold even more. Honestly, it’s probably a process that wouldn’t have stopped for anything in the first place. This blooming of purpose, the closing of the gap between me and those around me, the putting myself into situations and places I never would have before and my recent romance with life have become unstoppable forces that I can only imagine will take me exactly where I need to be. It’s a pretty insane feeling to be at this point with these massive forces at play, but at the same time, I’ve never been more relaxed in my entire life.
I just trust.
When the need for passion and enthusiasm rises, it comes out of my life fire out of dragons mouth. I follow that and let that be. When I feel that I need to go up and talk to someone I never have before, shake their hand, open them up and talk to them about what’s going on that day, I follow that as well. There is deep deep trust in these feelings that resonate from somewhere inside. These are the same types of feelings that arise on the daily…these are reverberations from the depths.
Deep tremblings from the soul.
So I’m following those, and it’s changing my life. People have been noticing how different I am – people that I have known for my entire life. This heart is blooming, and so is this romance.
These lights are beautiful. They make me happy. They bring so much warmth into my life and I am lucky to spend a moment or two with those memories.
– Evan Sanders