I’m still working through things. Every day is a new day full of challenges, little wins and big wins. I am a work in progress. It was a couple of years ago that I gave up “making it.” So every single day, I come into it fresh willing to take on the obstacles. There’s a difference between willingness to play the game of life and the existence of fear. Do I still get afraid? Yes all the time. But do I continue to move forward – absolutely.
It’s not my mind that starts running late at night, but my heart starts to turn. Like the backing of an intricate clock, the little gears start to move as the sun is going down and I really start to feel. I feel what is going on in my life. I feel for the people in my life and who I love deeply. I also begin to feel this type of energy. It isn’t a high strung energy that exists up above the neck, but more of a deep long wavelength that sits somewhere deep in the chest. The transitions in my day are pretty interesting as the sun goes down and the moon starts to come out to play. I know I’ve always been affected by the seasons…maybe I am affected by the day’s motions as well.
I think it’s important to remember that your depth is a gift. It can often be misconstrued at times, but the depth of your feelings and your heart really are something to cherish. At times, I had heard from people that the depth of me could make them feel uneasy at times…and yet others they said that they could feel deep trust and love. I do believe that the uneasy times were sparked by a deep conflict inside about my purpose and this yearning for finally having something to throw myself into fully. Just as my depth can make people feel loved, when I am lost inside, it can make them feel that same amount of turmoil.
But life has settled lately.
The passion is still there. The enthusiasm rip roars through me day in and day out…but there’s this flow now that I trust. I trust that wavelength…the wavelength of purpose and direction. Now, I understand that everything I do is about bringing light and love into this world and that’s what I was put on this earth to do. That’s what the stardust has created in me.
To be able to put everything on the line and know that you are putting yourself directly in the face of hurt, pain, loss, grief in the name of love, passion, dreams…well, this gets at me sometimes. The negatives never feel good when they happen. You are left there wondering. Those moments hit you very often at the beginning and then fade away eventually – but they suck so bad when you are in the beginning stages. You feel deeply. Oh do you feel deeply. And sometimes you can’t help but feeling a tremble coming on. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that…and to be honest it’s a feeling that I know I need to experience…but I really don’t miss it at all.
For most of my days, I am a pretty happy man. I am working to create something at my job, I have a lot of responsibility, I have kept myself incredibly healthy over this past year and am moving forward with my dreams, goals, ambitions, and purpose. I am making massive strides in my life. I am learning to love as deep as I can without being too attached to an outcome (I said learning mind you haha) and I am also learning what it means to be a man in this world. I am constantly learning, constantly evolving, constantly making mistakes, and all the while daring greatly. I am looking at myself with eyes that see the potential for great change and at the same time learning to not be too hard on myself. Some days are a lot harder than others I have to tell you. Some days, it’s hard to breathe. I put myself in positions that bring me outside of my comfort zone and a handful of times things fall apart without really much of my control – I just have to own my responsibilities for the things I have done, trust that I was doing the best I could with what I knew, and move forward in my response to situations without being too stuck on what happened.
I used to live in a world of trying to always analyze what happened instead of living in a world of what can I do now? What type of man can I be knowing what I know now? What experience can I gain from this? What can I learn? What are the resources that can help me understand why this happened and help me build a skill set to begin to sharpen up my weak spots? Thing is, you don’t know what your weak spots are until you actually start having them exploited by the best teacher in the world – life. You won’t be able to understand where your areas of development are until you make some mistakes, you make bad decisions, and you go through the game.
Some of those things hurt more than others. Some of those things hurt really really bad. But the fact that I am sometimes in pain does not mean that I am disconnected from my purpose in the world. Everyone gets hurt. But you do have an opportunity, each of us, to get back up and shake it off. That’s another thing I’ve been learning how to do this year. I’ve been learning to bounce right back up as fast as I possibly can. Sometimes it still hurts to stand there and be present…but there’s not a moment to waste feeling sorry for myself. I’m up to bigger things in this world than to sulk.
There is fear in this heart – but there is also great courage. I will continue to dare greatly.
– Evan Sanders