We feel deeply and we experience these emotions that run through us with uncertainty day after day, moment after moment. When we are in pain, they amplify. We can help it. It just happens. The effects of the events in our lives seem to know exactly where to strike us in the heart and we have all sorts of feelings run through us. It hasn’t been the easiest week for me. To be completely honest about it, I’ve had a week of incredible breakthroughs, and at the same time, feeling deeply…I mean deeply.
To be able to give in this world and at the same moment you give, let go, is an incredibly hard, painful, heart wrenching lesson to learn. I’ve gone through quite a few things in my young life so far, and this lesson is by far one of the most challenging lessons for me to continue learning. I am a feeler. I can shut everything off – my mind etc and when I’m in a moment and I am truly connected, I feel. I feel peoples emotions as if they were my own. When my feelings run up on me the depths of them always give me a bit of a startle. It’s not a curse to be able to feel so deeply. It’s a gift. I didn’t used to always think of it like that, but the truth is, the more and more I realize my connections with people and the world matter, the more I see this as a strict advantage towards giving love.
And love is the name of the game.
For a long time I have floundered around trying to figure out what I wanted to do with myself or what my “purpose” was until I finally came upon the realization that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. In the times where I was trying to figure out if I should be doing a completely different profession, I always felt like I had lost my center. My center and my home is right here – writing, speaking, creating poetry…about life and love. I want my entire life to be an expression of love and to help people access this deep love as well.
It makes sense that I hurt so badly sometimes. The depth of my pain and my hurt comes hand in hand with my ability to feel and love people on that same level. With one comes the others. Jung said, “The brighter the light the darker the shadow.” I’m not longer afraid of this type of pain though. When it arises, I let it flow through me and in one way or another, nourish me. You may be asking “How in the world are you nourished by your deepest pains?” Fact is these pains are simply an outcome of my deepest love that simply “turned south” for whatever reason. I can’t hold onto those reasons. I’ve found myself trying time and time again throughout the years and it never really works out. It only goes away when you surrender to what has happened instead of what you wished to happen. Surrendering is difficult, but you can’t ever change the past. Ever.
I’ve found myself in little ruts where I go…”Well if all of this sh*t is going to consistently fall apart and go south, then what the hell is the point?” I think it’s a very fair question to ask when time after time you go through hell and want to quit. But, there’s an equal force at play always egging you on to give it another go. To keep loving deeply. To keep trying as hard as you can. To keep giving as much as you can. That purpose that resonates deeply within your heart guides you to make art out of your entire life and share it with others so that they can free themselves from their struggles and demons as well.
That, is what The Better Man Project has become for me. That, resonates deeply down into my bones. This…is exactly what I should be doing with my life. This is my calling.
– Evan Sanders