I wasn’t expecting it at all. But to be honest, that’s the point. I wasn’t expecting it. These last few weeks since school began have been a little bit unnerving at times because I felt turned inside out. I felt dynamics changing inside and really just had to trust that they were sending me in the right direction. My coaches warned me that many of the relationships in my life might change as well because of these shifting tides. But faith led me through that.
Being able to tell yourself that everything is going to turn out just fine, and actually believe it, is something that is relatively new for me. In the past 9 months, my life has changed drastically. I mean drastically. Today I really sat down and took a dive through my Instagram to really begin to understand just how much I have morphed and changed throughout this year. What I can tell you is that when I came back home from LA…my life was in shambles, I felt like a wreck, I had no motivation to do anything, my confidence had taken the plunge probably down to negative land, and I was a significantly overeaten physical mess. Have to love that resumé eh?
To be honest, I started because there were a lot of extrinsic motivators built in with a few intrinsic motivations that I knew that would carry me through if I went for it once last time. I saw myself as “the rookie” and I was ready to give it everything I had. What has transpired over the past 9 months feels like nothing short of a miracle. I got my body back – in fact, I got something better than I ever imagined – I accomplished an incredible goal with an amazing trainer – my confidence rose astronomically and I started to attract love and beauty into my life. Those were all gifts because I decided to take a risk with my life. I put it all out on the line and even though things came and went, I still received them lovingly.
I make so many mistakes. I make mistake after mistake after mistake. But there’s something much more different about me now than previously. I’ve surrendered to that process and am on a path to correcting those mistakes each and every day. This project can be seen as the efforts of a man who is correcting mistakes constantly. But I’m learning! Oh man am I learning. There is a non stop process of looking at my life and seeing the areas where I can improve. This is not out of ego or trying to be better than anyone else, but I genuinely love the fact that I have places where I can improve my life. Deep down, and I will get into this in a second, I knew that this would help me because it would allow me to tap into my greatest purpose of all.
So what is that purpose? Well, without knowing it, I’ve been actually doing it for the past 4 years. Through deep and compassionate love, helping people to free their minds, bodies, and hearts. That’s what resonates down to my core. There’s no better feeling in the world that hearing someone tell you how moved they were by something you said or wrote. But you see, I didn’t know this about myself because I was so blocked for such a long time. I was always seeking instead of just being here. I used my goals as things that would complete me instead of using my deep purpose and expression of that basically dictate what the outcomes would be. I was disconnected from myself in so many ways because I deep down had an insecurity about not having enough. I am enough. I am more than enough.
As I sit on my meditation mat day after day, breathing deeply into what is, I start to feel the presence of love everywhere. My disconnected self dies and I connect with everything. I can see energy. I can see ripples. I can see how things are constantly coming and going, always flowing, and there’s this presence that has been here before forever and will be here after. There’s this warming feeling to everything, and day after day I am connecting with it.
That connection, and the vulnerability to allow the deepest darkest thoughts to flow through me as well as experience all of the other thoughts and emotions that arise, brought a bubble down from the depths of whatever it was and it hit the surface and I was ready for it. My purpose bubbled up and I can’t tell you how clear, awake, and connected that made me. There have been signs of this for a long time, some signs that I will keep very very close to my heart because they are so personal, but now it has become clear.
Despite difficulties at times. Despite pain and hurt…I am happy. Very happy.
– Evan Sanders