Yesterdays driving totaled 1,000 miles in one day, all to keep a promise to one of my best friends. I started early in the morning, watched her dance the night away, and then I headed back up home on a whim.
Going back to LA brought a lot of things up for me. I felt some anxiety, and then, once I parked and walked around The Grove for a couple hours everything settled. It’s an interesting feeling to be where I am at right now. I am just starting to study for my professional fitness trainer exam, I am going to school in March to become a professional life coach, I am going to combine the two professions and help cancer patients fight the greatest battle of all – the battle of life and death – and I finally have a path towards an end vision. I can see it so clearly now – something that I haven’t seen before.
All of this helped me feel at peace in a place where I had felt like the entire world was rocking me.
I was miserable there. Besides a few people who really kept me going, I felt like my heart was completely out of wack and I couldn’t understand anything. That’s not really a good feeling to have. A series of unfortunate events only added fire to the equation and I just wanted out – and for very good reasons.
But this time, I came back a changed man. A proud man. I have a fantastic job, I am working my butt off to create a future and I have incredible friends.
My good friend said, “You’re like the same person but totally different. You are just so much happier.” I think that’s pretty spot on. For a while, I wasn’t happy at all. I was convinced I had to do it on my own, I wanted to shut myself off from other people because I was tired of all the b.s. that I was getting back from them, and I was just…frankly…unhappy.
And then there was that moment again while sitting on the set of Dancing With The Stars.
That pre-dejavu moment. The one where I knew I would be walking out onto a stage one day to speak to thousands of people.
For me this moment is as real as my fingers frantically typing away on the keyboard right now. It’s tangible. I can almost feel the moment. I also continue to visualize that moment so deeply that I can’t but help make it happen. It’s something I can already feel without it actually having come to fruition yet.
It will happen.
For most of the drive back I spent my time thinking about my previous life in LA and how things have changed since then. For me, home is where I am right now. I feel secure in a place that I actually “ran from” when I originally left. I had all of these memories of events and situations that happened and since I was proud of what I was doing with my life I let those things overcome me. What I ended up realizing when I left and spent some time in LA is that…that “stuff”…follows you everywhere you go. You might start over somewhere else but in order to truly create something new you have to let everything go. You have to clean it up – and not just sweep it under the rug – I mean truly getting the Dyson out and cleaning that mess up.
For me, sitting here right now, I am happy.
I’ve been doing this for almost 4 years now…sitting down almost as if this is a confession. The desk and chairs have changed, but this keyboard and screen hasn’t. They have always been the same, and that sound of pattering keys reminds me of the first day I started to type away.
Just the other day I hired a coach to work with me for 12 weeks on my fitness and to help me take everything to the next level. I realized that I needed to put myself in the hands of someone who is a trained professional to look at my every week and make the proper adjustments to my nutrition and training that are necessary for me to get to the next level. As someone whose “act” is “I can do this all on my own” making that step was a good move in the right direction. Because honestly, as time goes on and things start to become grander – you can’t do it by yourself. You have to trust those who have put in the time and effort necessary to achieve their goals…and mostly, you have to trust that they can help you achieve yours.
There is a constant current to life that if you catch it, you can continue to grow no matter what. You don’t have to be a superstar now. You don’t have to be rich and famous now. But if you put in the work day in and day out, you can master just about anything. The thing is, are you willing to do that? 3 hours a day, 365 days a year, for 10 years?
This is the devotion it takes. I have been asking myself lately whether or not I would be willing to make that sacrifice. In my drive up last night through the fog, I think I finally answered that question.
– Evan Sanders