There’s this feeling in my heart that hard to describe.
Throughout today I have been trying to put words to it. Metamorphosis. Awakening. Rebirth. Recovery. But none of them feel quite right. None of them fit the feeling completely. Maybe I’ll be able to come to it throughout this writing tonight. Despite lacking the specific word, I can describe the feeling…and the evolution of feelings that I have had throughout today.
Last summer, right before I left to live in LA, in succession over three months I had some of the most significant months of my life. I woke up that morning crying…tears of happiness…my hands were shaking…and I still have a very vivid recollection of the events that happened – so vivid in fact I could draw them perfectly over and over again.
And yet as time passed, my nervousness for what these events meant started to climb in my heart. They were so profound I couldn’t possibly wrap my mind around what had happened. In that one night, I knew that nothing would ever be the same. But the body and the mind that I had refused to let it in completely. Everything that was so pure and so great about it leaked out of me because I could not possibly hold something of that magnitude. My body wasn’t willing to stretch, only to act as a strainer.
But the event never died and neither did its meaning. The event continued to play over and over again in my mind and become prominent to the point where I just couldn’t ignore it any more. It drove my thoughts, the events in my life, and everything else surrounding me. In fact, it’s safe to say that this happening determined my future.
For the past week almost, I feel as if I have been dreaming because I have been given something that I know is incredible and wonderful. I know it is what I need. I know that it is a major piece to the puzzle in order to move forward by quantum leaps. Whatever imperfections may arise are perfect. Not because they are fundamentally good over bad…but because those flaws are perfect for me – and only I could appreciate them.
Just for a second today, doubt crawled into my mind, just like it did days after what happened last year and I recognized that feeling as soon as it came up. It wasn’t doubt about the future, no…it was that doubt in the change that was about to happen in me. I know that I am about to change massively. I know this because I can feel it in my bones – and unlike any other significant events that have ever happened – I know this right now in this moment, and not after the fact.
Then, in what seemed like just an instant – all fear disappeared from the inside out.
Fear of the future. Fear of the past. Fear of the path. Fear of the amount of work I need to do. Fear of failure. All gone. They all disappeared as if I was defrosting from the inside out.
I have spent so much time wondering “why” specific things were happening to me in the past and further wondering if it was ever going to get better or if I was going to continuously going to be playing this game. For a while, I wondered if I was going to be alone wandering this planet continuing to search for the man within. Quickly I realized that reality was far from the plan. Very quickly.
These past few weeks have been a metamorphosis into something far greater than anything I have ever been. I feel like I have stretched and flexed for the first time without snapping. I feel that beast inside of me expanding with light and I am getting bigger. It’s changed a lot. In fact, I can see it in the way that other people are looking at me. They say hi to me. They smile. They see something. I can see it. This is new.
Jung said that “we meet ourselves time and again in a thousand disguises on the path of life.” I’ve never seen this quote, but I am glad I found it. I feel like I am meeting something for the first time today and understand not “the point of it all” but the purpose of it all. I think for a while I was afraid to accept the gift because I wasn’t sure of its outcome. I wasn’t sure where it would take me. I felt safe doing what I was doing even though I knew that I wanted to go somewhere else. The comforts of the material. The games of the present day.
I knew that I had to delete all of that from my life and create new opportunities, new realities, and new views of how I saw people and things. I didn’t want to. Now I know something inside of me needs and wants to.
For the first time in my life, I see the energy being emitted by everything around me and how much my energy is truly changing the lives of others. I love that. Yet I always keep in my mind what I am doing it for and why I have decided to take this on. There are too many stories of people rising to the top and making it. What we need is someone rising to the top, who believes in the power of people’s dreams, who believes in them…and brings everyone else up with him.
I will take that on.
– Evan Sanders