The way it has always been, and the way that it will probably always be, is that nothing happens at all or everything suddenly happens at once.
This year started off awful. I mean almost as bad as it gets.
It was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. LA was falling apart at the seams and I had absolutely no idea what was going to happen. I gained loads of weight, I started shutting down, and my mentality about people, dreams, and daily life started to dwindle. I don’t think I’ve ever been so stressed out. In fact, I am sure I have never been so stressed in my entire life.
So I came back home.
I came home feeling a bit broken. What had inspired so much happiness as I moved down to LA ended up being so hollow and unproductive. While I did learn a lot, I felt like I didn’t have anything substantive coming out of the “City Of Dreams.” In fact, I felt like I had a dose of reality, which may not be everyone’s reality mind you, but I had seen the worst of something that seemed so promising to start.
You can’t hang your head forever. You also can’t be afraid to start something new because the old was so bad.
Writing by hand for me has always been a bit of an emotional experience. I am a very visual person and having fresh clean sheets of perfect paper is liberating. When you are writing down the story of your life, it’s refreshing to see that you can put down anything you want on the next page. You can create…and for me…that’s the key.
I have felt for a long time that there’s been this overwhelming amount of energy that was going to come out of me…I just didn’t know when. I’ve actually written about this feeling before as if it was a beast, a positive one at that, full of light and energy. Almost like it was bigger than my body itself. It might be a bit philosophical, but if the universe is expanding and everything is made up of energy, maybe we are expanding ourselves in a purely non-physical way.
Maybe, if we give ourselves a shot to grow, we actually do.
I think that the start of my new journey 4 months ago actually gave me that opportunity. I wanted to see what I was capable of and how much energy I could put out. I wanted to see if it was possible to focus my mind so intently on something that it would show up in my life even if it didn’t exist yet.
It did. Lightning struck…in about 5 ways.
And here I sit, after three of the most complete, fun, loving, best days of my life just stunned. That feeling of just being complete, which has been gone for years, has come back. For me, it’s beyond coincidence. It’s been something I’ve been dreaming of and I fully believe that someway somehow those dreams have made it into the right place and out of the sky like a sack of potatoes I’ve been drilled with the outcome.
I couldn’t be happier with these moments.
I’m in a surreal place and it feels like I almost have to pinch myself to make sure I am still awake. But the feeling I have, after all of this has happened, is that anything is possible. It’s as if I have the ability to make things actually appear…from nothing. As you could imagine that is an interesting feeling…and I plan to ride this out.
In some ways this isn’t a surprise, but in many it just still feels so unreal that I am trying to process everything. I am sure that in time I will come to understand some of it…but maybe I won’t. Maybe I’m not meant to understand but just to live in it. There is a great possibility of that.
We are given things exactly when we need them the most.
That Angela Morgan poem I posted the other day about “When Nature Wants A Man,” – that is my life.
That’s how it has been for months on end and it’s how my life has functioned for ages beyond that. But now, it’s starting to make sense. It’s starting to make sense because after losing so much…after being battered down and tested and crunched into the ground so many times…I finally started to listen to what was inside, and just before I thought I couldn’t take any more…I was given not just something, but all 5 things.
So whatever or whoever is watching over me…thank you. It’s not going unappreciated. I know it’s not just dumb luck. It’s been a wild ride, and I can’t wait to see what else you have in store for me.
P.S. The key to it all is believing.
Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project