I've Been Away For A While

When you’ve been away for some time, you tend to get a little nervous right before you sit down to write again. But as soon as the keys start tapping or the pen stars to scribble away, that nervousness sifts away like sand through your fingers.

For the past four months I have had my soul tortured by something that I never thought would happen. I’ve gone back and read letters, I’ve run through things in my head over and over again, and I’ve even come to the place where I could bring closure to the entire thing. But even in that moment after “closure” I walked away confused because there was this metallic taste in my mouth that I could not ignore. It’s taken me a long time to understand what that instinctual feeling was, but as things have become clearer as emotions have settled to the bottom of the sea and my eyes have been cleared of the dust from being knocked on my ass…I understand.

Trust.

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When you lose your ability to trust what someone is saying or their actions things are headed in a really bad direction. You spend your time wondering if what is being presented is actually the real deal or if it is some carefully manipulated and concocted version in order to make you smile. I have always been one to take people at their word and I am inherently very trusting…in fact…that is usually what gets me into these messes in the first place. And while I do get wrapped up in things sometimes, I would rather be a trusting person instead of one who is consistently cynical and pessimistic of other people.

However.

This is probably the biggest however I have ever learned. Learn how to love and lead with your heart, but never forget your head. Someone once said that “Compassion is at the heart of every little thing we do.  It is the dearest quality we possess, yet all too often it can be cast aside with consequences too tragic to speak of. To lose our compassion, we lose what it is to be human.” I think this is very true. In the times I have lost my compassion for other people, I have felt cold and dark inside. In a world where people trash you, disrespect you, question you in ways they shouldn’t and say things about you usually without consequences…it is easy to lose our compassion for people. It is easy to let the bastards grind you down and make you worse. And when they have – they’ve won.

You have to stand for something much more than just being a man.

When you represent an ideal or a group of ideals, you become somethings much more than just a man. You can stand for peoples greatness. You can stand for the power of possibility. You can stand for love and compassion despite overwhelming opposition. But most importantly, you can stand for such things, and when you are feeling down…these principles with raise you up when you are in need.

It hasn’t been easy for me to get to this point, but I have buried what happened deep into the ground. The resentment, fear, and pain are covered in dirt and are there to rest. There’s something to be said for actually digging a hole in the ground, writing on pieces of paper all the ways something makes you feel, covering it up and tamping it flat. There’s something to be said for making that final decision to move forward with light and to accept the past…but never forget it.

We are only given as much as we can handle.

This phrase has been absolutely true for me throughout my entire life so far and it gives me a sense of hope that I am being challenged so much in order to build me into something great. These challenges never seem to end, and you know what, bring it. Keep layering them on, because I know there are reasons for them. Good things come from being tested over and over again with the intent of growth.

I’ve been away for a while. I left to go search for something and I found it. Can’t wait to share that here every day with you.

– Evan Sanders

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  • True Godiva
    May 9, 2014 at 9:50 am

    I’ve never been one to comment on post(s). I read them, take what I need from the written words and move on with my day. Today….. today you’re words moved me. I felt like I was sitting next to you having this conversation about me. Going through a similiar situation, you have given me a little more hope than I had yesterday. I just want to simply thank you.
    ~True Godiva

  • JoDee
    May 9, 2014 at 10:21 am

    Welcome back Evan. That was profound.

  • Name
    May 9, 2014 at 8:59 pm

    Thanks as always brother

  • Chrystal
    May 10, 2014 at 7:18 am

    “I have felt cold and dark inside. In a world where people trash you, disrespect you, question you in ways they shouldn’t and say things about you usually without consequences…it is easy to lose our compassion for people. It is easy to let the bastards grind you down and make you worse. And when they have – they’ve won.”

    To me, this fight is one of the toughest life throws at us. It is natural to build up walls to protect ourselves when inevitably people will shit on us so easily and not understand our shock at the betrayal. Coming out the other side smarter but not “harder” is one of the greatest strengths a person can have. Welcome back, Evan.

  • Deborah
    May 10, 2014 at 7:39 am

    Great post Evan, it is tough when you get stepped on, and all that, but you have been and are such a strong soul. You get right back up, dust yourself off and move forward. This is what life is about right.

    Keep strong man, keep strong.

  • William Forbes
    May 10, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Evan – You state this so well and thanks so much for sharing. The hard knocks of life, the faltering friendship or even the lack of understand one feels are instruments that continuously form our personalities into who we are. It is through these adventures of life that we gain perspective, learn what we should do for others, how we should treat them with love and kindness and not contempt. When one takes the time to really explore and as you have stated even write these things on paper and place them beneath the soil as a sign of moving on, one takes another step forward. One starts believing in themselves, believing in other people once again as we gain a better understanding of why, make new friends, and most importantly view our life as the important life it really is. We all have a purpose for why we are here. We just need to find it and move it forward. Many blessings to you and all your followers.

  • Melissa Pasek
    May 11, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    I really enjoy your writings. They hit my heart and soul. Compassion is one of the six values we teach the youth at the group home. The others are respect, responsibility, honesty, empowerment, and spirituality.

  • Ellie Mack
    September 18, 2014 at 7:05 am

    t post! It really hit home with me with things going on in my own life. This is the heart and soul which first drew me to your blog. Thanks for being real!

    • thebettermanproject
      October 6, 2014 at 3:27 pm

      Those are the best comments, the ones where people can connect emotionally and spiritually 😀

      P.S. Please do me a huge favor and subscribe! http://btrman.me/1uSFjaq Thank you!

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