When you’ve been away for some time, you tend to get a little nervous right before you sit down to write again. But as soon as the keys start tapping or the pen stars to scribble away, that nervousness sifts away like sand through your fingers.
For the past four months I have had my soul tortured by something that I never thought would happen. I’ve gone back and read letters, I’ve run through things in my head over and over again, and I’ve even come to the place where I could bring closure to the entire thing. But even in that moment after “closure” I walked away confused because there was this metallic taste in my mouth that I could not ignore. It’s taken me a long time to understand what that instinctual feeling was, but as things have become clearer as emotions have settled to the bottom of the sea and my eyes have been cleared of the dust from being knocked on my ass…I understand.
When you lose your ability to trust what someone is saying or their actions things are headed in a really bad direction. You spend your time wondering if what is being presented is actually the real deal or if it is some carefully manipulated and concocted version in order to make you smile. I have always been one to take people at their word and I am inherently very trusting…in fact…that is usually what gets me into these messes in the first place. And while I do get wrapped up in things sometimes, I would rather be a trusting person instead of one who is consistently cynical and pessimistic of other people.
This is probably the biggest however I have ever learned. Learn how to love and lead with your heart, but never forget your head. Someone once said that “Compassion is at the heart of every little thing we do. It is the dearest quality we possess, yet all too often it can be cast aside with consequences too tragic to speak of. To lose our compassion, we lose what it is to be human.” I think this is very true. In the times I have lost my compassion for other people, I have felt cold and dark inside. In a world where people trash you, disrespect you, question you in ways they shouldn’t and say things about you usually without consequences…it is easy to lose our compassion for people. It is easy to let the bastards grind you down and make you worse. And when they have – they’ve won.
You have to stand for something much more than just being a man.
When you represent an ideal or a group of ideals, you become somethings much more than just a man. You can stand for peoples greatness. You can stand for the power of possibility. You can stand for love and compassion despite overwhelming opposition. But most importantly, you can stand for such things, and when you are feeling down…these principles with raise you up when you are in need.
It hasn’t been easy for me to get to this point, but I have buried what happened deep into the ground. The resentment, fear, and pain are covered in dirt and are there to rest. There’s something to be said for actually digging a hole in the ground, writing on pieces of paper all the ways something makes you feel, covering it up and tamping it flat. There’s something to be said for making that final decision to move forward with light and to accept the past…but never forget it.
We are only given as much as we can handle.
This phrase has been absolutely true for me throughout my entire life so far and it gives me a sense of hope that I am being challenged so much in order to build me into something great. These challenges never seem to end, and you know what, bring it. Keep layering them on, because I know there are reasons for them. Good things come from being tested over and over again with the intent of growth.
I’ve been away for a while. I left to go search for something and I found it. Can’t wait to share that here every day with you.
– Evan Sanders