Story Of A Tortured Soul


When I gave up searching for the man I thought I should become, I gave myself the chance to see I was the man I needed to be.

A tortured soul she said to me.


And I looked back and smiled. “Mhmm. We make for the most interesting dinner conversations.”

But she was right and I knew it.

My soul has been tortured for years. I could venture to say it has been tortured since the beginning. My first memory is being hospitalized due to my appendix exploding…when I was three.

The fact of the matter is, smooth waters never created a tried and true sailor. It is the times we are tested and yes, even tortured, that create strength. Strength was never created without resistance.

Resistance, in the finest of forms, is actually a perfectly good indicator of what path may end up most worthwhile.

I realized today, with sincerity, that I actually have everything inside of me already that I could ever possibly need.  I have all the ingredients it takes to be the man I have always wanted to be. What I needed to do though was let go the man I thought I should be…

We chase dreams. For one reason or another, we chase things…people…wealth…and yet all of these things are usually driven by some outside purpose. We see it almost as “when I get there I will be happy.” But the truth is, our happiness comes from being okay with…ourselves.

None of it matters if we aren’t in tune with what’s inside.

Tortured was a fair explanation.

Because being pulled in each and every direction without peace inside is almost the definition of torture itself. For me, I thought that what I was doing wasn’t good enough.

The reality is quite the opposite.

The changes aren’t going to be sweeping. They aren’t going to be drastic. There is no major announcement to be made or long post to be written.

I am just going to do what I know what is right in my heart.

– Evan Sanders

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  • Kristy Anderson
    April 16, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    This sentiment is so exact to my current disposition. You captured it beautifully, a true wordsmith. I will reread this when I wake tomorrow, and every day until I don’t need to read it anymore. Thank you.

  • Dalo 2013
    April 16, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    The photo reminds me of the book “Let The Great World Spin”, and in a way similar to your passage in that it involved a man pursuing what he was meant to do… As for torture, sometimes a decision is just the salve needed to get things moving.

  • Rajiv
    April 16, 2014 at 10:14 pm

    I like the photo. But, aren’t we all tortured, to some extent? The key is to recognise it, but not be obsessed by it, because then we descend into self pity. It is a tight rope walk, and is well captured in the photo

  • Kate @ Did That Just Happen?
    April 17, 2014 at 6:10 am

    I think that is the biggest myth that we all believe “when I have xyz, I’ll be happy” “when I have a better job/more money/a partner, then I’ll be happy” and the reality that you won’t ever be happy if you are looking for it from an external source. Happiness comes from within. You find/make/create your own happiness and then the rest of the world falls in line!

  • Julie
    April 17, 2014 at 7:24 am

    Lovely and true, Evan…

  • Tucker
    April 17, 2014 at 11:10 am

    Realization and acceptance are key. Vulnerability takes courage, thank you for showing your heart.

  • Sharon Nyatanga
    April 18, 2014 at 3:58 am

    I guess I am happy. Happy with myself. The mistakes I made, my failures, my regrets, they all brought me to the happiness that I have now. thank you for this blogpost. Very awsome

  • KReative_Works
    April 18, 2014 at 10:25 am

    I am often impressed with your transparency/truth in your posts. Keep up the great work !

  • livedlovedlost
    April 20, 2014 at 10:57 pm

    Strength is never created without resistance….love that line!

  • DickensSono
    April 24, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    The Journey of a tortured soul is the Journey to PEACE.