What I Didn't Realize

what-i-didn't-realize
You know when you accidentally trip over a chord connected into the wall and you haven’t quick kicked it out completely yet? You just have bent the little pieces of metal but they are still barely holding on into the wall?

What I didn’t realize, was that the chord was kicked out completely for me in 4 months back.

Sometimes I think that the most powerful drug a human can have is another human. The emotions and feelings that are attached to someone can bring you absolute joy or total misery. Truth is, those same addictive qualities you feel for another can be found in the same people who deliver substances into their body to satisfy those same needs. We get our hits from interactions and we suffer massive withdrawals when we are suddenly, as life would have it, stripped of who we depend on. And here comes the kicker…most of the time we believe that the “chord” we happened to trip over…is still bent in the wall.

I thought my chord was just bent and slightly falling out of the wall, but like I said earlier, I didn’t realize it was completely kicked out.

It wasn’t unfamiliarity with what I was hearing or seeing that confused me. It was the fact that I waited for something inside me to bubble up, some emotion or feeling, the type of emotions and feelings I felt months and months ago, and nothing arrived. No roaring train or sound of a horn in the distance. Nothing. Numb.

Have you ever sat down with someone who you used to know so well, down to their core, and even though not much time has passed…you are back sitting at that table and everything seems disconnected?

I left that table confused because I wasn’t expecting it. I was expecting that turning in my stomach I did for such a long time. That feeling of pressure moving from the bottom to the top of my gut. The tightness in my upper cheeks and the water beginning to form behind my eyes. I was expecting all of that, and yet down the stairs I walked feeling completely and entirely baffled at what just happened.

I feel myself morphing.

I feel myself changing.

I feel myself growing.

There are things that are happening in my life that cannot possibly lack  coincidence. Things have come around, lessons have been taught, and the depth in which I was searching for answers to my biggest problems and answers has opened itself to discovery. A lot of quotes talk about climbing high…most of my own personal mannerisms talk about digging even deeper. The deeper I did the more truthful things come.

This may sound ridiculous to some, because many have made this their “goal” in life, but I am not searching or striving for happiness right now. I’ve been asked a lot of the time “are you happy” and to be honest I have been stating to question that question in the first place. Happiness is this fleeting thing similar to the sun and the moon. Of course it will come around, but you have no control over how long it stays. You cannot predict happiness or sadness as life is unpredictable in itself.

I am open to whatever is going to find me.

That can be happiness, sadness, truth, wisdom, love, passion, excitement, fear, anxiety…I let it all flow through me like electricity flows through a plug…one plugged into the wall. And that’s what I have come to. I have come to the realization that it’s being plugged in to the world and everything it has to offer that is going to deliver something much more real and honest than a life seeking or searching for happiness. Just so you know, I am not done thinking about this. In fact, I have started putting together my second book idea based on a thought that has a current that runs through this idea. But what I can tell you is this…

If you get kicked out of the wall don’t be afraid to plug yourself back in.

When bad things happen we have a tendency to ponder of why we aren’t plugged in or get scared of what might happen if we do plug back in. Thing is, without playing in the game of life you have no opportunity to let a current run through you. Of course not all the time it is going to be good, but that is the only way you are actually going to live life.

Being kicked out of the wall stopped me from writing completely.

I only sit down at the desk when I feel something inside of me brewing – some energy – some force if you want to call it that – and I go to town on the paper. That same energy is the energy I am feeling right now. And as hard as it is to write some of the things I do, I can…because I am actually giving myself the opportunity to live life.

Life’s concrete floor has been my perfect springboard.

Watch me rise.

– Evan Sanders

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  • fantailnz
    April 9, 2014 at 11:11 pm

    evan, I agree wholeheartedly. I haven’t written for a long time either. Have been through some spiritual surgery (my name for it), and am slowly coming back together – in tune with God and in tune with others too. I understand what you are saying. Thank you for your blog, and encouragement.

  • hiezmalubual
    April 10, 2014 at 1:21 am

    I wanted to remind myself about the things you’ve shared herein that’s why I’m reblogging this.
    This is beautiful, beautiful.

  • tinabrenee
    April 10, 2014 at 4:52 am

    Thank you for these words. After some time (perhaps a year or two) of feeling out of commission so to speak – of feeling sucker punched, disheartened and disillusioned by unexpected things in life, I have recently been stabilized by the realization (revelation) that In order for God’s power to be demonstrated, it often first requires His allowance of what we would call ‘bad things’ to happen. Sometimes these bad things are obviously just part of a natural course of events after one exercises poor judgment but then there are the times when these bad things happen along our path and there seems to be no explanation for why we are being allowed to suffer. The key is to understand and accept that if it has been authorized to occur then it will be used as a demonstration not of our strength but of the strength which has been made available to us. So no, I can’t pray and believe that nothing bad is ever going to happen – even things that would seem devastating and unbearable; but I can and do believe that I will be equipped for and sustained as I endure through it. I admit it was a lot more enjoyable when I was living in a state of emotionalism, but it is not reality and it sets you up for sure disappointment. My faith has, through this season of reckoning, been strengthened and my understanding heightened. You are very relatable and I think that is much needed in today”s world of hopelessness and despair. Sobering are these times are enlightenment.

  • amberglowsofaslowburn
    April 10, 2014 at 8:48 am

    For me the numbness you speak of is the most frightening state to be in, and it’s worse when it robs me of the ability to write. I appreciate the honesty and hope in this piece. Well done, and best wishes on your journey towards being cool with just being . It’s a good aspiration.

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