Whatever is going on inside is quite confusing. At a time when things are so simple, there lies a deep reverberating confusion that trips me up every once in a while. It seems that most of the time when I lay my head down on the pillow at the end of the day it comes into the forefront of my mind. And there’s really no answer to it. It just sits there as if to say “Hello. Don’t think I’m going anywhere.”
I’ve been dealt those cards and I’ve flipped them to see exactly what they are. I think for a while I was scared to even turn them both over in the fear that I might discover exactly what I already knew was there. They weren’t suspicions because I was very aware of that storm brewing inside. But, and this is a big but, I still didn’t want to recognize it for exactly what it was.
I have come to terms with a lot of things over the past few years, but in all honesty most of the beasts and demons, at least the biggest of them have taken years to put a significant dent in. But when i realized that there is nothing inherently that you have to be afraid of in life, these black pits began to become exposed for exactly what they were. The fear of abandonment, failure, addictive foods and broken heartedness quickly became something in the background of my mind. Sure, they will present themselves once in a while – but going that way now is a choice rather than a forced imprisonment.
People have asked me before how I can spend hours in the gym? Why I go two times a day? What’s the point of what I am doing? I have told them many times over that when I am in there the world around me disappears and I am able to bring myself into a state of utter concentration. When I hit that state, my mind digs into my past and forces it out into the present. When it arrives there, I take the negative – anger, hate, depression, loneliness and anxiety and throw it into the weights. I take the stories, the events, the insults, the fights and use it as a way to make myself stronger. I have effectively found a way to create an incredibly strong foundation by using the negative parts of my past to make myself stronger.
Our dreams don’t work unless we do. Therefore, you have to put in a massive amount of effort to accomplish something you never have. This effort can either deter you or excite you. Even though I am tired most days from the day before, I am passionate about taking one more step towards accomplishing my goals.
I have been the personal destroyer of my dreams many times because I haven’t taken the responsibility to accept what was in my life. When you accept your life as it is and further decide that everything is in your control (besides the weather and such) then you have given yourself the greatest and most demanding gift of all time. It is all on you. Good. Now go get it.
– Evan Sanders