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“We have to hold the people we love with an open palm…so they are free to fly away, and if it’s meant to be, they will come back to us.”- T.L. Just because I’m losing, doesn’t mean I’m lost.

I’m going to tell you a story tonight. When I was  three years old, there was a night where I was screaming and writhing in agony. The bottom right side of my abdomen was on fire. I was in pain, so much pain. I remember laying on my parents bed crying with such purpose that I could feel my chest tightening. I remember this feeling with such clarity that even to this day, when life throws its finest at me, and I have to shed a tear or two…the feeling strikes me with such familiarity that I almost stop in my tracks.

They took me to the E.R. and the doctors said that it was only the flu. I remember crawling back into the backseat of the car, still in pain, looking at the lights go by. I remember that later that night, I had this dream that I will never forget. In fact, whenever I get really sick, I seem to have this dream occur. The biggest waves I have ever seen crashed down upon me. Wave after wave I struggled to come up for air. I guess you could say I was drowning in this dream. Then, all of the sudden, just as the waves had hit me, the pain came roaring back into my stomach. I started screaming. I was back in the E.R.

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The doctors told my parents that if my burst appendix was left unattended for a few more hour that I wouldn’t have made it. Toxins were pouring into my body and slowly killing me. Life had more in plan for me. As they had to take massive amounts of blood, eventually my veins collapsed and had to spend another week in the hospital. I eventually was out, two weeks later, and back on the prowl ready to start my life. From that point on, I have remembered a lot that has happened to me.

Hope. When it gets hard, it then gets better. When it gets better, it then gets hard. I don’t think there is a more natural and balanced way of putting it. Until recently, I never really just drove somewhere to sit out and look at the stars. There was something profound about that night. Being completely surrounded by darkness, but yet, as I looked up at the sky, I saw something so bright. Things can get very dark sometimes, but if you pick your head up and you look around, you can see that there is beauty in everything. You can’t always make everything work. Moving on doesn’t always mean that you are quitting. It just means that the cards you have been dealt are not the ones you want to play with, and you have to fold sometimes to get to your next best hand.

We learn something from everything. And over the past couple of months, I cannot even begin to describe to you the lessons I have learned. I was reminded of the importance of love, of passion in the launching of a dream, and of what it truly means to never quit. But as I looked myself in the mirror today, I was also reminded of something that makes everything work. Integrity. Something that I keep coming back to over and over again. Because without it, nothing that I stand for can come out. I can’t show it to myself, and I certainly can’t show it to other people when things become thick. So here I am, hearing my fingers patter on the keys, a sound that has become familiar to me but has never lost its soothing qualities…hurting but not hurt…losing, but not lost. And in the end, the only sound I hear, is the bump in my chest, telling me that it is okay…and that I will give everything again.

~ Evan Sanders

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  • Reply
    Rene Yoshi
    February 20, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    At this moment I feel like I am dying inside, but I realized that maybe it’s not such a bad thing, because some things may need to die in order to produce a more abundant life. Thank you, Evan.

  • Reply
    wherethedaytakesme
    February 20, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    Hope never gives up!

  • Reply
    amiemlzrt
    February 20, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    HOPE.. .that’s the word that dwells always in my thought , that keeps me rolling and I equate it with LIFE. thank you so much for sharing. keep it up and have a good day!!!

  • Reply
    brianwilliamsen
    February 20, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    Great post…and that first quote is so true.

  • Reply
    natasharenea
    February 20, 2013 at 9:58 pm

    “Moving on doesn’t always mean that you are quitting. It just means that the cards you have been dealt are not the ones you want to play with, and you have to fold sometimes to get to your next best hand.”

    I absolutely love this,

    This was a hard lesson for me to learn and it took me a lot of long nights up grappling with my decisions before I decided “folding” was the best option I could have ever made.

    The Japanese aggrandize things that are broken. They believe that when something is broken and has a history, it becomes more beautiful. Just because you break doesn’t mean you must remain broken.

    Great post.

  • Reply
    Erika
    February 20, 2013 at 10:16 pm

    Seriously, wow, the music, the post, everything is just… wow.

  • Reply
    Nanny_cool
    February 21, 2013 at 1:45 am

    I had my appendix out when I was 7, I can remember every detail of the experience and events after that but cannot remember anything before that day.
    Sometimes I wish we could pick our memory’s to remember as they never seem to be the happy events. X

  • Reply
    literaryyogi
    February 21, 2013 at 6:22 am

    Truly needed to read this today! Your posts always lift my spirit!

  • Reply
    countingsheepstudio
    February 21, 2013 at 7:19 am

    Wow Evan. I agree with everything you said, this is so brilliant is makes me want to cry right now. It is such a miracle how when you simply put your truth out there, let yourself be stripped bare, you can connect with people on such a different level altogether. Thank-you for sharing this today. Sending you a virtual hug!

  • Reply
    Wambui Bahati
    February 21, 2013 at 8:10 am

    Beautiful! Thank you.

  • Reply
    Meghan
    February 22, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Reblogged this on C'est la vie!.

  • Reply
    symatt30
    February 22, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    This helped stop me going a bit crazy from the constant heartache I feel everyday. Really hard most times but hopefully will get there eventually. Now how to deal with anger and resentment while I’m at it? Any tips?

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