Last night, I wrote a poem called “Don’t Blind Me,” and a lot of the questions that I refer to will be answered in this piece. I looked myself in the mirror this morning and said, “No more.”
If I have been taught anything over the past few years, it has been that vulnerability is at the core of courage and light. Therefore, I write one of my demons out on paper, a demon that many I think will be able to relate to, and strip the parasite from my life – for the first time, and for the last.
It all started when I wrecked my knee. The massive tear in my meniscus took me out. I had to have surgery, and since the tear was so severe, my doctor wanted me to take it as easy as possible. He doubled my time on crutches, and limited my walking for months. It was summer. It was hot. I was miserable. The combination of athletes depression, a depression that comes from not getting your daily endorphin fix, and not being able to do anything I wanted to do was killing me. I had to lay in bed pretty much all day, watching episode after episode of Pawn Stars and feeling awful. My knee was in a lot of pain. The pain from the knee was shoot up my leg and into my hip and I would writhe in bed. Sweating because of how hot the summer was and wishing things were not this way.
Eventually, I had the ability to crutch to the gym every single day, my one hour of heaven, and feel better about myself. But this did not help the athletes depression because it was masked by pain. I went back to my room after an hour or so frustrated and eventually found an out. Food. I have always loved food and at this point in time, it was the only thing that could make me feel any better. The feeling I got from eating good food > the feeling of pain and anguish. So I ate. Junk food…good food…and anything else in between.
What is interesting though, is that I have never been in really bad shape or very overweight. The amount I work out combats what I would eat. However, inside, I didn’t feel all too good. I felt like I had this thing inside of me that was holding me back from my dreams. I would try to cut it out, but it would always come back to haunt me. And then I would continue to feel awful about myself because I was being hindered by something that was very much in my control. When I became upset about something, I would run to food. When something would hurt…off I went. This only perpetuated the cycle, a cycle that has continued up until this morning. Enough is enough.
I have been taught that the only way to break habits, overcome misery, or change something in your life is to be vulnerable with it and to also declare what you are going to do. I know there are a lot of people out there who have experienced what I just wrote or who are in the same boat as I am right now, and that’s why I want you to walk with me on this one. Here are my declarations for the next 60 days.
– I declare that I will not touch a shred of junk food or fast food.
– I declare that I will consume only lean meat, fresh veggies, and lots of fruit.
– I declare that I will cut out added salt.
– I declare that I will not consume any soda.
– I declare that I will not eat anything with added sugar.
– I declare, starting Monday February 18, 2013…that I will finish my 60 days of insanity during this time and supplement those workouts with lifting in the gym…not the other way around.
– I declare that I will take the best care of my body I possibly can, and nothing short of it.
So, go out and get it.