Project Snapshot: Post 3

 

It’s Time – June 5

 

I will be honest. Yesterday, I had a meltdown. I was just chugging along doing my Operations Management of Information Systems homework, and then City and Colour – Sleeping Sickness started playing, and I just started crying. I just sat there and soaked up my homework. My paper never had a chance. This was one of those moments when I really needed help, so I called up a friend. We went outside, and I tried as hard as I could not to start crying again, but that failed. I started tearing up pretty bad trying to explain what was wrong. What was wrong? I had unfinished conversations, unfinished situations, unfinished parts of my life that were piling up on me. I was letting these things really build up on my shoulders and I didn’t even know it…or maybe worse didn’t want to face them and finish them.

As much as I was trying, I wasn’t living in the present. I was thinking of things that happened years ago, 4 months ago, 6 months ago. These things were hindering me pretty bad. In fact, it was getting in the way of the other relationships I was trying to build. To be frank, I am a little bit shell shocked because of the things that have happened over the past few years. How can I pull the shrapnel out of my chest and let the scars heal? How can the scars fade? I have to live in the present.

I will never be able to change the past. I know this. But why did I breakdown over it? There are a couple of reasons. I have written about this before, but I am really scared of people leaving me. There are plenty of instances over the past year or so of people leaving me, and it hurt really badly. I just have to accept that this is a part of life and will happen no matter what. What also came up was that I have things to say and things to hear from people that I haven’t heard yet. Will I get those chances? Probably not.

My friend looked me in the eyes and told me, “Just because you won’t get that chance doesn’t mean you can’t finish that conversation yourself. Evan, what did you want to hear? What do you want them to say to you that you haven’t heard which is stopping you from living in the present, right now?” I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said, “I want to hear I love you. That everything will be okay and that I love you.” I need to hear that from a few people, but I wont have that chance again. So she looked at me again and said, “Then say it.” I was struck at first and was like “What? Say it?” She goes, “Yeah, say it, say it to yourself Evan.” …….. ‘I love you.’ It was pretty awkward at first. “Say it again.” ‘I love you Evan.’

The more I said it, the more weight came off my shoulders. I felt like chains were falling off. She told me to say anything else I wanted to say, and it just started coming out. Pouring out. Some was angry, some was sad, some was happy, but it all came out. It sounds really weird, but talking to yourself can really help. I wouldn’t suggest making it a habit because you might end up in a loony bin somewhere, but when you need to hear things to get you back into the moment, the most important moment of your life, I suggest you use it.

I don’t need anyone to come save me. I don’t need anyone to fix me. I used to think this was the case, but now, I realize I have it all in me. I have been very unfocused and scattered lately because of all these feelings I haven’t addressed. I realize now that I need to be writing every day. I know I have finals coming up and the year is ending, but this is important. This is my life. When life gets hard, you are pushed to your limits. Yeah, school may be hard, but if you get overwhelmed with school and fall apart, what happens when life gets hard?

Enough. Enough of all these old things. Here were the last pieces of advice that I received.

“I cannot give you the formula to success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is: Try to please everyone “- Herbert Bayard

“It’s simple: when you haven’t forgiven those who’ve hurt you, you turn your back against the future. When you do forgive, you start walking forward”

“The next time you find yourself surrounded by darkness in the middle of a storm and everything is at it’s absolute worst, take a moment to give thanks- because you know that no matter what, the sun is going to rise. It will get better. That sunrise is faith. – Oprah

If there is ever a way to relate to me, it’s by sending me quotes. I opened up that email, read those quotes, and I melted. I realized I am still in pain from the whole thing. How do I change it? It starts by taking those first steps, by finishing those conversations, and by mentally giving myself a big hug.

So I guess if I was going to say one thing to myself right now, it would be “Evan, everything is going to be okay. Start living in the present, and forget about everything else. Oh, and, I love you.”

Please Join the Dream https://www.facebook.com/BetterManProject

Evan Sanders

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  • ruleofstupid
    October 16, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Evan, you are, in this blog, doing something far beyond what might occur to 10,000 others. You are already being pretty damn extraordinary. In that, you have already transformed the s**t of your past into the fertiliser of your future.
    Life will be hard – otherwise it would be empty – no downs = no ups. It’s not about living without pain, it’s about being as good friends with your pain as you are with your happiness. Pain is a teacher, just like joy, it is here to help.
    Maybe you can see people leaving as a happy event. You have grown and changed, and so have they, you have given each other all the gifts you were here to give each other – and now you are drifting like dandelion seeds, off to find your next partner in learning.
    You are 100% right – what you need is always in you – all the strength, courage and wisdom required.
    Love and peace in your present struggle
    ROS

  • ArtiPeep
    October 17, 2012 at 2:22 am

    Evan,

    Here’s a quote from Osho that helps me every day:

    EXPRESS YOURSELF IN AS MANY WAYS AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT FEAR.THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR.THERE IS NOBODY WHO IS GOING TO PUNISH OR REWARD YOU. EXPRESS YOUR BEING IN ITS TRUEST FORM, IN ITS NATURAL FLOW, YOU WILL BE REWARDED IMMEDIATELY, NOT TOMORROW BUT TODAY, HERE & NOW. YOU ARE PUNISHED ONLY WHEN YOU GO AGAINST YOUR NATURE. BUT THE PUNISHMENT IS A HELP. IT IS SIMPLY AN INDICATION THAT YOU HAVE MOVED AWAY FROM NATURE, THAT YOU HAVE GONE A LITTLE ASTRAY-OFF THE ROAD-COME BACK. PUNISHMENT IS NO REVENGE.NO, PUNISHMENT IS ONLY AN EFFORT TO WAKE YOU UP: ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’ . SOMETHING IS WRONG, SOMETHING IS GOING AGAINST YOURSELF. THAT’S WHY THERE IS PAIN, THERE IS ANXIETY.

    EVOLUTION IS INTRINSIC TO MAN’S NATURE, EVOLUTION IS HIS VERY SOUL, AND THOSE WHO TAKE THEMSELVES FOR GRANTED REMAIN UNFULFILLED. THOSE WHO THINK THEY ARE BORN COMPLETE REMAIN UN-EVOLVED. THEN THE SEED REMAINS THE SEED. IT NEVER BECOMES A TREE AND NEVER KNOWS THE JOYS OF SPRING AND THE SUNSHINE AND THE RAIN AND THE ECSTASY OF BURSTING INTO MILLIONS OF FLOWERS.

    All the very best.

  • whatdrivestheweak
    October 17, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    I love this post! Goodluck in your endeavors. Always remember to cheer up in times of defeat because that is life hitting you, and the gift of life is LIFE itself…

  • Ava Elizabeth Wisdom
    October 18, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Evan,

    Wow, this really touched my heart. I can relate to this more than you know. Having experienced a lifetime of rejection and abandonment, I too live with the fear that people will leave. What I’m learning is that people are like leaves on trees. And, God sometimes only intends for some people to be seasonal in our lives. It seems that we spend a lot of time trying to reattach dead leaves. Letting go is hard for me, but it’s something I’m working on.

    I pray you’re doing well. I just found you because you followed my blog. I looked at your blog and I really, really like it…so I’m following you too now.

    God’s best,
    Ava

    • thebettermanprojects
      October 18, 2012 at 5:58 pm

      Thank you Ava!

      That snapshot post was from such a long time ago. Years in fact. However, things have been amazing, especially with writing the book.

      Please Join My Dream 🙂 https://www.facebook.com/BetterManProject

      • Ava Elizabeth Wisdom
        October 18, 2012 at 10:08 pm

        Beloved,

        I’ve already followed you on FB. I think you are such an inspiration and there’s no doubt that you’re going to change the world. Congratulations on the book. I’ll buy a copy, but you have to sign it for me!! In the meantime, I think I’m going to create a blog about your blog! LOL! But seriously,if your personality is anything like your blog then you are a very special person. Stay in touch!

        Love,
        Ava

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