It’s Time – June 5
I will be honest. Yesterday, I had a meltdown. I was just chugging along doing my Operations Management of Information Systems homework, and then City and Colour – Sleeping Sickness started playing, and I just started crying. I just sat there and soaked up my homework. My paper never had a chance. This was one of those moments when I really needed help, so I called up a friend. We went outside, and I tried as hard as I could not to start crying again, but that failed. I started tearing up pretty bad trying to explain what was wrong. What was wrong? I had unfinished conversations, unfinished situations, unfinished parts of my life that were piling up on me. I was letting these things really build up on my shoulders and I didn’t even know it…or maybe worse didn’t want to face them and finish them.
As much as I was trying, I wasn’t living in the present. I was thinking of things that happened years ago, 4 months ago, 6 months ago. These things were hindering me pretty bad. In fact, it was getting in the way of the other relationships I was trying to build. To be frank, I am a little bit shell shocked because of the things that have happened over the past few years. How can I pull the shrapnel out of my chest and let the scars heal? How can the scars fade? I have to live in the present.
I will never be able to change the past. I know this. But why did I breakdown over it? There are a couple of reasons. I have written about this before, but I am really scared of people leaving me. There are plenty of instances over the past year or so of people leaving me, and it hurt really badly. I just have to accept that this is a part of life and will happen no matter what. What also came up was that I have things to say and things to hear from people that I haven’t heard yet. Will I get those chances? Probably not.
My friend looked me in the eyes and told me, “Just because you won’t get that chance doesn’t mean you can’t finish that conversation yourself. Evan, what did you want to hear? What do you want them to say to you that you haven’t heard which is stopping you from living in the present, right now?” I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said, “I want to hear I love you. That everything will be okay and that I love you.” I need to hear that from a few people, but I wont have that chance again. So she looked at me again and said, “Then say it.” I was struck at first and was like “What? Say it?” She goes, “Yeah, say it, say it to yourself Evan.” …….. ‘I love you.’ It was pretty awkward at first. “Say it again.” ‘I love you Evan.’
The more I said it, the more weight came off my shoulders. I felt like chains were falling off. She told me to say anything else I wanted to say, and it just started coming out. Pouring out. Some was angry, some was sad, some was happy, but it all came out. It sounds really weird, but talking to yourself can really help. I wouldn’t suggest making it a habit because you might end up in a loony bin somewhere, but when you need to hear things to get you back into the moment, the most important moment of your life, I suggest you use it.
I don’t need anyone to come save me. I don’t need anyone to fix me. I used to think this was the case, but now, I realize I have it all in me. I have been very unfocused and scattered lately because of all these feelings I haven’t addressed. I realize now that I need to be writing every day. I know I have finals coming up and the year is ending, but this is important. This is my life. When life gets hard, you are pushed to your limits. Yeah, school may be hard, but if you get overwhelmed with school and fall apart, what happens when life gets hard?
Enough. Enough of all these old things. Here were the last pieces of advice that I received.
“I cannot give you the formula to success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is: Try to please everyone “- Herbert Bayard
“It’s simple: when you haven’t forgiven those who’ve hurt you, you turn your back against the future. When you do forgive, you start walking forward”
“The next time you find yourself surrounded by darkness in the middle of a storm and everything is at it’s absolute worst, take a moment to give thanks- because you know that no matter what, the sun is going to rise. It will get better. That sunrise is faith. – Oprah
If there is ever a way to relate to me, it’s by sending me quotes. I opened up that email, read those quotes, and I melted. I realized I am still in pain from the whole thing. How do I change it? It starts by taking those first steps, by finishing those conversations, and by mentally giving myself a big hug.
So I guess if I was going to say one thing to myself right now, it would be “Evan, everything is going to be okay. Start living in the present, and forget about everything else. Oh, and, I love you.”
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