I am doing something special for you guys today. I am posting a snapshot timeline of The Better Man Project from the first days to the most recent days. It will probably end up around 5-6 posts, so look for them!
The editing process is amazing because it takes me right back…and there are some profound posts that still tug at my heart. Here we go
Beautiful – February 25, 2011
My music and I have a very interesting relationship. I could name four or five songs for every mood I am in. My own private world exists when I put the ear buds in, and for a while I can disappear into the music. I can close my eyes, forget about everything and breathe. It’s almost like when I put my music in and walk around outside, my eyes are closed. My iPod is packed with Eminem. And right now, that’s about it. I didn’t think I would be listening to that same Recovery CD I was a year ago. Today is about how beautiful you are.
There are so many things that happen that make you feel like you aren’t beautiful. But we all are, no matter what has happened. You can never tell yourself that you can’t change. When you tell yourself that, or refuse to for other people, you are saying that you aren’t good enough…and that other people aren’t good enough for you.
I want to disappear for a month. Go spend some time in the mountains somewhere. Not talk to anyone…just me. Right now, that feels like the best thing for me to do. This is not a grab for attention, but truthfully a feeling I have mulling in my chest right now. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. Nights are the hardest…too much time to think. I am trying to be made out of something strong. Sometimes the hardest things to do in life are the ones that you have to subject yourself to. What I mean by this is taking the high road. Like I wrote the other day, being a man of integrity sometimes hurts. I have promised myself to take the high ground and do what I know is right in my heart. These decisions I am making are pure. Do you think I want to be silent for a month? No, of course not. In fact, to my body that sounds absolutely absurd considering the aching and itching I am going through. But in my mind, it is the right thing to do.
I am sacrificing. Sacrificing everything I want and need for another. I hope that it is appreciated, and also seen for how unbelievably hard it is. It is for a person who I have talked to every day for more than six months…who has seen me at my worst and heard literally everything about me. In a world where people say “time is short” I am feeling like time is awfully long right now.
But I remember that time speeds up, and life goes on. The most important thing is, don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t beautiful. I have said it before, when everyone’s gone, it’s going to be just you. At that point, you will really know who you are. We don’t have to wait for that though. We can see how beautiful we are now.
The fact that I know in my mind that this is going to take six months to a year minimum absolutely sucks. It might take more… time is not on my side. This originally was intended to be 30 days to a better man…but we all know that project will be never-ending. I feel like a florescent light bulb right now. I have flicked the switch back on…but it’s going to take time for that light to warm up. I can tell you though, when that light finally does come to full force…I am going to become the brightest light bulbs you have seen. It’s not arrogance, it’s a promise. Love others, love like crazy…but most of all, love being you.
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