I always promised from the beginning to make my writing as honest as possible, encompassing both the light and the darkness while setting out with the aim to inspire those to lead powerful and inspiring lives. I have been avoiding writing this post for some time now, and there have been consequences of this. It has taken a toll on my mind, and it has stopped me, almost dead in my tracks, from accomplishing and going after a vision that I have had for a while. I knew that this journey was not going to be easy, and I made a vow of some sort, to be honest with myself more than anything. If I am honest, I will write about the bad times…because if I only write about the good, then how will you believe me during the points of ultimate motivation, success, and inspiration. You couldn’t. There would be no balance would there? The brighter the light, the darker the shadow. Thank God for the song above, it really does the trick in slowing me down. I just lay on my back, close my eyes, and listen.
There are times.
There are times where I feel forgotten about,
There are times where I feel that people have made up a story about me…
without actually giving me a chance,
There are times where I feel ignored,
There are times when I am ignored,
There are times when I sit and wish that maybe once, I would hear from you first
There are times when I feel exhausted,
There are times when I lay down…not wanting to get up in the face of everything I have planned,
There are times when I want to give up.
There are times when I look to the past,
There are times when I can’t see the future,
There are times of ultimate struggle,
There are times of significant doubt,
There are times when I feel a tornado inside of me,
Instead of that calm sea.
There are times where I feel alone,
There are times at night where it is always a fight,
There are times when I can’t pick up the pencil to write,
There are times when I put myself on the line,
To not get anything in return,
There are times when I fail to even inspire my own heart,
There are times when I sit in the dust,
There are times when I just want to close my eyes,
There are times when I just feel upset,
There are times when I have my regrets,
There are those times when I sit thinking about those gone,
There are times when I feel small,
There are times when I feel powerless,
There are all these times…and I know that it comes with the dark, and I feel that it is something that I have to keep getting more and more comfortable with. The feeling I have right now is something close to disappointment. There have been many times where I have had people tell me that I am hard on myself. I agree. But I don’t think necessarily that this is a bad thing. I think that being hard on yourself is only a bad thing if you let it paralyze you. If there is no action after personal judgement, then you have taken yourself out of the game. I expect a lot of things out of myself and work incredibly hard to make them happen. When they aren’t happening, I look inward to find the answers I need…I don’t look at other people and blame them.
My story, every day, is out in the open for everyone to see. There was a turning point in my life a few years ago where I decided that this is what I wanted to do and I was going to accept the consequences, good and bad, of what this would bring. What I have found throughout writing this is that people can “check in on me” without actually committing to me as a person…which is totally fine, and I understand. There is a time and a place for everything…but I have to say…there are some that I would actually really like to really talk to me. These are some of the things I pray for.
All I can ask of myself is to keep trying hard. To keep going strong, and to never give up. I really want to create something great out of all of this…and know that if I stay true and stay honest, it will happen. There is nothing wrong with these times that I am having today…the only thing that makes it wrong, is if you can’t admit it to yourself.