From the Heart

I always promised from the beginning to make my writing as honest as possible, encompassing both the light and the darkness while setting out with the aim to inspire those to lead powerful and inspiring lives. I have been avoiding writing this post for some time now, and there have been consequences of this. It has taken a toll on my mind, and it has stopped me, almost dead in my tracks, from accomplishing and going after a vision that I have had for a while. I knew that this journey was not going to be easy, and I made a vow of some sort, to be honest with myself more than anything. If I am honest, I will write about the bad times…because if I only write about the good, then how will you believe me during the points of ultimate motivation, success, and inspiration. You couldn’t. There would be no balance would there? The brighter the light, the darker the shadow. Thank God for the song above, it really does the trick in slowing me down. I just lay on my back, close my eyes, and listen.

There are times.

There are times where I feel forgotten about,

There are times where I feel that people have made up a story about me…

without actually giving me a chance,

There are times where I feel ignored,

There are times when I am ignored,

There are times when I sit and wish that maybe once, I would hear from you first

There are times when I feel exhausted,

There are times when I lay down…not wanting to get up in the face of everything I have planned,

There are times when I want to give up.

There are times when I look to the past,

There are times when I can’t see the future,

There are times of ultimate struggle,

There are times of significant doubt,

There are times when I feel a tornado inside of me,

Instead of that calm sea.

There are times where I feel alone,

There are times at night where it is always a fight,

There are times when I can’t pick up the pencil to write,

There are times when I put myself on the line,

To not get anything in return,

There are times when I fail to even inspire my own heart,

There are times when I sit in the dust,

There are times when I just want to close my eyes,

There are times when I just feel upset,

There are times when I have my regrets,

There are those times when I sit thinking about those gone,

There are times when I feel small,

There are times when I feel powerless,

There are all these times…and I know that it comes with the dark, and I feel that it is something that I have to keep getting more and more comfortable with. The feeling I have right now is something close to disappointment. There have been many times where I have had people tell me that I am hard on myself. I agree. But I don’t think necessarily that this is a bad thing. I think that being hard on yourself is only a bad thing if you let it paralyze you. If there is no action after personal judgement, then you have taken yourself out of the game. I expect a lot of things out of myself and work incredibly hard to make them happen. When they aren’t happening, I look inward to find the answers I need…I don’t look at other people and blame them.

My story, every day, is out in the open for everyone to see. There was a turning point in my life a few years ago where I decided that this is what I wanted to do and I was going to accept the consequences, good and bad, of what this would bring. What I have found throughout writing this is that people can “check in on me” without actually committing to me as a person…which is totally fine, and I understand. There is a time and a place for everything…but I have to say…there are some that I would actually really like to really talk to me. These are some of the things I pray for.

All I can ask of myself is to keep trying hard. To keep going strong, and to never give up. I really want to create something great out of all of this…and know that if I stay true and stay honest, it will happen. There is nothing wrong with these times that I am having today…the only thing that makes it wrong, is if you can’t admit it to yourself.

Evan Sanders

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  • myatheistlife
    September 14, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    There are movies that depict a seminal moment in life where that moment gives meaning to the protagonist; a young boy hunting alone who kills the wolf, a soldier who saves his world (300?), or someone surviving catastrophe. In all things we will either do what is required when the time comes or we will not. Survival is the finish line in any such race, or that which does not kill me makes me stronger. The more you have to do for yourself and by yourself, the more you will be able to do for others when the time comes and the less likely you will be to not do what is required when the time comes. The universe unfolds as it necessarily should for all of us. That there is confrontation and casualties is as it should be for nowhere is it written that all of us will win. Not even gods promise that. To truly have and exercise free will, we must accept that we are unable to change everything, in fact we can change very little at all. Each day the world presents us opportunities and we can get melodramatic over the options or do what is required in that moment. The fatalist accepts that this is the reality but the wilful man takes those options and makes it his party. Positive thinking has benefit beyond that which is understood at first blush. Each door opened is a new world, no matter how small. The explorer does not travel for greatness or acclaim, but to go where he has not been.

    If life is to have meaning, its meaning must be gleaned from the experiences offered rather than those wished for. So it is. Competence is often enough not a skill but the perseverance to keep trying when others would surrender.

    There are times when even such simple advice cannot be remembered. To save your worry, often enough simply remembering that the answers are simple is enough to win the day. veni, vidi, vici

  • Carol Welsh
    September 14, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    That really IS some very honest writing…thank you for sharing so much.

  • Lisa at fLVE
    September 14, 2012 at 10:58 pm

    What an inspiring post. I also think that being hard on your own self, as long as it’s not destructive, is a good motivational tool to better ourselves. Just remember to also take time to thank yourself for what you have accomplished so far. Have a great weekend. 🙂

  • tinerowan
    September 14, 2012 at 11:04 pm

    I love the honesty in what you write.

    • lexa
      September 15, 2012 at 2:58 pm

      I agree!

  • shafiqah1
    September 15, 2012 at 5:55 am

    Reblogged this on shafiqah1 and commented:
    Heck Yes!

  • Suzi Martel
    September 15, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Wow Evan, you took the words right out of my mind, thanks for putting fingers to keys and sharing them. Suzi

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  • lexa
    September 15, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    I enjoyed this post! In the past I have experienced many of your, “There are times…” and there is no doubt that they will surface in the future. The wonderful part of life is that your positive or inspirational list of, “There are times…” is proably multiple times longer, encouraging and uplifting. Our life is filled with peaks and valleys’– which can bring balance to our lives. Thanks for your honesty, it brings your writing to life.

  • Anthony
    September 15, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Nice post. Loved it.

  • jeejee
    September 26, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    Your blog continually inspires me…thank you for sharing the good as well as the bad.