Day (217) – The Heart of Life
Posted on June 4, 2012
One of the hardest parts of life is making hard decisions. Ones where there is a lot at stake…feelings…futures…comfort. You see paths, and you have to embrace where you are and make the best decision you can. Sometimes that decision causes pain. We often look at the choices we have in front of us and try to delay them as long as possible, especially if there is pain involved. But courage is not pushing aside the tough, but being able to see that the hardest option is the right one. It’s about being able to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and knowing in your heart that you acted in line with your yourself, the lessons you have learned over the past, and being able to hold your head up high. I have had to make sacrifices I didn’t even want to make… but realized that it was better for everyone that way. Because the last thing I want to do in this world is put anyone else in pain…or to have them go through some of the things I have gone through. It has nothing to do with a loss of heart or love, but sometimes when you really love someone you have to make sacrifices for their happiness…even if you inflict some pain upon yourself.
I talk about looking in the mirror a lot, and being able to live with yourself. When you realize you can’t be something or do something anymore, you have to declare it. The most selfish thing in the world is making someone else believe you will be something in the same capacity as before…and then not doing it. I have been through this, and it tore my heart out. I was devastated because I was there trying to hold onto something that was gone. I waited…I wrote…and it never came back. I was searching and praying for things to go back to the way they were. But once things change, the path is permanently altered. Paths converge and they split for reasons we do not know, but they are the right reasons. My mind sometimes is not necessarily fresh right in the middle of something, but after the end, things become much more clear. There is something about putting it all on paper and being able to see. I have always thought that I had a decent ability to be able to put my thoughts on paper and right now, I am trying my best.
Life often works like baptism by fire. We are presented with testing situations, turning points, and obstacles. I truly believe in being able to choose your path, but on that path you chose there are many points of conflict along the way. The hero’s journey has many ups and downs, and there are many times where you have to go out alone to truly find who you are and grow. Someone a long time ago told me that the brighter the light the darker the shadow. I have been learning to be comfortable in the darkness lately…a place I feel that is uncomfortable for most. Pursuing the path that takes the most effort often comes with big problems. During these points of contention, you have to always remember who you are, what you have promised, and who you want to be in life. There are times when I get stuck praying that things can stay the way they are, but I know better. I know that in my heart I am acting for the right reasons, to be able to save your heart from pain, and to see you smile again.
I would go to the edges of the world for you and protect you from anything. It breaks my heart to hurt you, but I would never forgive myself to make you travel down the other path. There are a few people who have branded their love on my heart, and I am forever changed for the better because of it. I will never forget Ry.
I love you with all my heart,