This song cuts right to the core of me. There is no other song that makes me close my eyes and calm down like this one. I wrote a little bit earlier today as a pre-post writeup of something that I wanted to do to improve upon my life. But that post was missing the true point of something that has been on my mind lately. If you listen to the song carefully, you will recognize what Bon Iver is saying and how it correlates exactly with what I am saying. And I am going to just come straight out and say it. I feel that there are many cases in my life where I give a lot of my heart to people, open my arms with compassion and love…and this is taken, not appreciated. I have come to a point in my life where I realize that people come and they go. I can accept this. But it doesn’t mean I like seeing people go who I had great times with. I think we are given people for short periods of time so we can appreciate those who have been with us for great lengths. I know that this is the way it usually doesn’t happen. Most of the time people hurt the people closest to them. I think this is just absurd. You should show those who are close to you all the love and the compassion in the world. You should always be nice and respectful to those around you, but it is awful to forget those confidants who have been with you through the thick and the thin.

I think what it just comes down to is feeling a little bit under appreciated. I feel slightly unnoticed…and truly sometimes do wonder if I am actually making the impact I have set out to make. This post is a little bit about self doubt. There is one part of the brain that says if you truly were amazing then people would stay with you no matter who they are…and then there is another part that knows that is not the way it works. There are a handful of people who I feel were taken away from me way too early. Maybe this is my challenge from above. To see how I react to these circumstances. One of the most interesting and contradictory things that has happened in the past for me is “fighting for” those who have left. I know to a certain extent there will be situations that you really do have to fight for what you believe in and those who are very close to your heart in your life. However, fighting for those who come and go hasn’t exactly worked out for me so well. In fact…it backfires. Sometimes…you really just have to let go…fully.

These are some things that I really needed to get off my chest because I miss some people but I know that the healthiest thing to do right now is just to write it down and be happy that I have good memories of them. Sometimes its not appropriate to tell people certain things, not because you don’t mean it, but because they won’t get it. Hemingway once said that you should write the truest sentence you ever knew…and I think today, that past sentence was exactly what he was talking about.

With Great Love,

Evan Sanders

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  • Time with Tracy (@TimeWithTracy)
    May 18, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    You’re amazing, Evan. Never stop being yourself!

  • mimijk
    May 18, 2012 at 9:20 pm

    When things have to remain unsaid, there is still hope that one of these days, the message will be received..:-)

  • omwaombara
    May 18, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    Some things really hurt and some close ones really disappoint. Good intentions are sometimes misunderstood. I have learnt to let go but to continue doing my best along the way. I am not perfect so I do not judge but sometimes it is time to let go and move on.

  • ivystracener
    May 19, 2012 at 12:10 am

    Evan, Letting people go is one of the hardest things in the world. I have been walking that path the last few month and I just want you to know that regardless of what the people you love do and who walks away the memories are real. Never doubt or forget what those people mean to you that is why they came into your life, to give you those times those memories. Never stop loving.

  • Vikki (The View Outside)
    May 19, 2012 at 12:49 am

    I can totally relate to everything you’ve said, and I’m still in shock over the people in my life who have hurt me, when all I’ve ever done is love and support them.

    It sucks doesn’t it 🙁


  • thewardanceofthemindandsoul
    May 19, 2012 at 1:42 am

    A wistful post Evan, and one I can relate to also. It has taken a lot of soul searching to find a better way to approach my relationships. Where instead of clinging to those I love or admire, which in the end will make me a victim of their mentality, I just try to go with the flow.

    People leaving us, in whatever way, can set up a host of reactive emotions associated to rejection, abandonment, grief, feelings of not being good enough etc., which we experienced in the past, and which now, because they’ve been reactivated, need our attention. But often, what we do is focus on the other person, our fear of loss, and lack of self-esteem. When what we really need, is to have our internal affairs recognised and attended to, so they can be healed and we will not be pulled about so strongly by our ego personalities in the future.

    Relationships, like our life, are a roller-coaster of highs and lows that make us feel happy or miserable. This is just how it is. But what we often fail to realise is that these highs and lows are temporary, they always pass. The pain passes, the joy passes – until the next time. So when conflict does arise, we have the responsibility to accept where we’ve played our part in creating problems and identify if we should start or stop, doing something that is harmful. Then we need to look at the feelings within that have been evoked because of the relationship issues. Once we get working on those issues, which are past agenda and usually have little to do with the current relationship problem, we often feel better, as we’re healing internal pain that may not have been recognised, if the problem had not occurred in the first place!

    People do what they do because of the way they feel, not because of us! We often blame others for the way we feel, both good and bad, which makes us dependent upon them. However, whilst we can influence others, we cannot change the way they feel. We don’t have that power! But we can do something about our own feelings, our own reactive pain, even if we feel overwhelmed, as that overwhelm will pass, then we’ll be able to think more clearly.

    Over time I’ve realised that whenever I’m left with bad feelings over one relationship issue, it will rear it’s ugly head and influence other areas of my life. So my policy is, that if someone does show signs of hurting or leaving me, and I start to panic and react, whilst assessing the relationship I also look at what I’m doing, how I’m feeling and thinking, and try to resolve my feelings about any loss. Then I attend to the pain I’m experiencing at the time, usually by using coping strategies that work to make me feel better – such as starting a new creative project, getting a new hairdo, finishing an incomplete task. Getting busy with something productive, that provides a positive result, will help us through the sticky patch! I meditate, I’ll even act out occasionally by having too much of whatever. But then I get control of myself and regardless of what’s happening with the other person, I bring ‘myself’ back – as that’s where I want and need to be, at all times!

    It hurts when we love someone and that love is not returned – no one can deny that. And I doubt that anyone can escape the distressing experience at some time during their life! But please Evan, don’t let any relationship be a judge of who you are, and impair your relationship with you. Our fears create illusions that we believe. You become what you believe – you know that! But be real, and true to yourself. You have so much to give, but maybe there will be no tangible reward for that giving just yet. That’s okay though, as it gives you the opportunity to monitor your disappointments and identify where they first stemmed from. This is about helping yourself to grow into all you could be!

    As it’s stuck emotional energy in our system that causes us the most problems, you may find EFT helpful. A simple tapping method that can be used to reduce the intensity of emotions rising in just this sort of situation. Once that particular block has been shifted, you will find your reactions change and the impact intensity is less. It’s a great tool for emotional coping! Details can be found on the internet.

    Finally, otherwise I’ll end up writing pages and pages. During my long, arduous journey into self-awareness, I received many channelled messages that really helped me understand my pain and suffering of that time, and which I eventually last year made into a set of Insight Cards (Details are on my blog or website One of the messages covered your problem, so I’ll include it here, as it was given to me, under the heading of ‘Forgiveness’…

    ‘….People we love often hurt us the most, because they are the only ones that can affect us enough, to teach us new wisdom and learn us the lessons that are necessary for our soul growth!’

    When I thought about it, I realised how true this was. And it was about forgiveness of myself and others, life, my journey, my pain, God and the universe. As unless we learn to keep our heart open, how will we ever permanently feel the love we crave? When we feel hurt we instantly close ourselves off, trying to protect ourselves! But when we change our attitude, our mentality, and move our focus away from self-protection and place it upon self-understanding, fear of loss is less scary. As we understand that loss is an opportunity to gain new understanding!

    Like I said earlier Evan, I could go on and on, there’s so much to be said about the topic of ‘us’. But you’re a bright guy, and you will figure it out. Just don’t stay too long in the despair mode if you can help it – it prolongues unneccessary suffering. Find some songs that stir your passion for life, that make you feel happy and optimistic. One of my favourites was an old song called Smile (…even though you’re aching, smile though your heart is breaking…..). Sorry I can’t remember who sang it.

    Chrissie x

  • stuartart
    May 19, 2012 at 2:05 am

    Beautiful version. As a piano player I really want to learn that. Thanks. 🙂

  • evea192
    May 19, 2012 at 2:31 am

    What a great post, and yes, i also can relate to this.

  • kianys
    May 19, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    Beautiful song and such an honest, brave message. Not just the lyrics, but especially your words.

    Thank you for sharing yourself. -I know it’s greatly appreciated and not just by me.

    Hugs,K. 🙂

  • Candy S
    May 19, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    Evan, As always, I really enjoyed your post. As you mentioned briefly, I do believe that there are times that God sends people in our lives for a season. They serve His purpose in your life and there is something for you to learn before they leave. However, I am sure that God would not send someone to hurt you, but unfortunately, you have to learn from that experience also and move on. Keep writing!

  • amanda
    May 19, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    The song’s a great cover. As for you, self-doubt’s a bitch. Keep working on yourself, and remember that expectations come at a cost. Just because you come through and devote yourself to others doesn’t mean they’ll do the same for you. Over time, you’ll be able to weed out the good ones from the ones who aren’t meant for you.

  • chiuone
    May 19, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    I hope you will not doubt yourself because every single post of yours inspire me tremendously. There are people around you that will always care for you, your close friends and family, fight for them. 🙂 Everyday I am grateful to God for all things He has blessed me with, and I believe He has a reason for not giving me certain things. As a test, a blessing in disguise.

  • dtangle
    May 21, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    I love the song! and can relate to what what you are feeling. sometimes, we just need to ‘let it be’ and smile because it happened.

  • Pink Ninjabi
    May 22, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    So very true, especially on love and loss. Thank you so much for sharing.