“I feel like im morphin’, into something thats so incredible that I’m dwarfin’, all competitors.” – Eminem I am changing. Every day, changing. You ever feel like you were floating around in life? Not the feeling of not getting anything accomplished, but more about not understanding the purpose of what you are doing. Its like your in a rhythm. For the past few days, I have been in this amazing state of mind. When I used to pitch, I would be so focused that I couldn’t hear anything that was going on around me. Other teams used to scream and yell and whatnot, but I would just soak it all in and tone it all out. In fact, in just writing that, that is exactly how I feel. There were all these things that were just nagging at my brain every single day. Finally, I just yelled “SHUT UP!” I just got tired of it. Get the hell out of my head. I’ve never been much of the person to just sit back and let things happen without fighting for it or fighting for them. I never want to be viewed as a doormat. While I will act the way that is in accordance with the person I want to be, I am also not afraid to stand up for myself. In this part of my life, I have really found out different ways to do that.
I have been figuring out a lot about myself recently. The things that make me go, the things that make me stop dead in my tracks. I don’t avoid confrontation anymore because I know I can be completely honest with people about things. Who cares if you get shot right out of the sky, honesty and doing things that matter to you is what is important. Your principles are there to guide you, not to handcuff you. Another thing I have also found that is extremely important to me is to do things that are out of your comfort zone. You might be afraid to say something or do something, but fear is something that can be overcome with a small dose of courage. I used to hate doing things that were different because I was so comfortable with what I did know and was used to. But you will be surprised with how much you can learn when you assume you know nothing.
I have run through about 7 pens with how much I have been writing lately. It just never stops. I write and write and write. I have said it before, but one day I am going to write a book. Maybe I will write more than one. Who knows? But I really believe that I can do it. My music is morphing, my study habits, my workout habits, my faith, and my interactions with people are all changing rapidly. I wouldn’t say I am moving in a bad direction, but rather moving forward into the things I believe that are ideal. I am making efforts to understand things more. One of the things I have been working on a lot lately is the fact that some problems cannot be solved right away. That is one of the aspects about me that gets me into trouble. Sometimes, there are long term answers. Not everything has an immediate impact. Its like working out. It really takes a while before you can see some significant differences.
I am really proud with how I have reacted to certain situations. There have been a number where I honestly could have just lit a fuse and become a powder keg. BOOM! No, thats not what I want. In fact, when I feel my blood pressure rising I attempt to control it or remove myself until I can have it under control. There will be those situations where I might act out of character, but I know that will not happen often. My dad once told me that we all lose ourselves sometimes, but if your moral compass is pointing straight you will be alright. Never think that you wont make it. No matter what, you can get through anything and everything. Sitting here writing now to you I sometimes dont believe how I made it here. I remember the feelings, and really am still in disbelief that I am here and I am doing as well as I am. It didn’t used to always be like this.
So it was a while ago where I wrote about I wanted to work on letting go of things. It could have been anything, but learning how to do that because I know that is one of the things I am afraid of is important. Since that time, I have been working on this as much as I can. There were situations that called for letting things go, and I did. I wrote before I am a fighter. Sometimes though, learning to pick your fights is what really matters. I was greatly rewarded the last time I willingly let go. With this, I was brought great happiness.
I think the moral of the story here is…let yourself morph. Keep that moral compass pointing straight, and do the things that matter to you. Eventually, you will become the person you want to be.