laugh when you can
apologize when you should
and let go of what you can’t change.
and have no regrets.
life’s too short to be anything… but happy
you’ve probably heard it before some time or another. “never forget where you came from.” i am proud of where i came from, whether or not it was a good place is not really a factor here. but it made me into the person who i am today. so today is about that. where do i come from. i come from a very loving family, and while no family is perfect, i have a good family. my childhood was pretty quiet, not many kids lived around me. i had my first kiss in kindergarten, i still remember her name (gabrielle). the next week she pushed me into the rosebush and i had to go home because i was cut up so much. funny how things dont change haha. i went to a middle school where i was heavily outnumbered by a very hard working asian community. they taught me that discipline and hard work would pay off in the end. i played sports since i was 5, held a baseball in my hand ever since i had hands. had little middle school relationships, most memorably being told to listen to “bye, bye, bye” by nsync when they were big. good cd at the time, bad day however. grew up pretty fast for many reasons, laughed, cried, struggled, hurt, injured, recovered, manipulated, was manipulated, singled out, part of a group, heart broken, pissed, depressed, anxious, but happy. i often think back to the way things used to be when i was little. go to school, chase after girls on the playground, go home, climb trees. i went home the other day and climbed my favorite tree, and just sat there. there just something about it.
we really lose sight of ourselves sometimes. in all of this change, we forget who we are. i have vowed to never forget who i am and where i have been. as much as i want to black out some of the things that have happened, they will always be there. scars have a way of fading and coming back deeper than ever when you try to push them down. remember, the deep scars we create on the hearts of other people only leave bleeding wounds on our own. your relationships should have a sticker on them…handle with care. unfortunately, some of the people we know are the worst movers ever. but hang in there. they made power tools and duct tape for a reason.
some of the pictures i have put in here are me at my happiest moments in my life. the first, is of me skimboarding at 26th in santa cruz. i love it, and despite the fact that i eat it on the sand occasionally, i love running down the sand and attacking a wave. most of the time nature wins, but thats okay, it always does. the next picture is of me fishing at calveras big trees in the sierras. its funny, hooking onto a fish is one of the most exhilarating things that there is. you are sitting there, dead still…patiently, and then wham! you have a fish on the line and it is you versus the fish. i mean thats only about a 3 lb fish, but i have hooked up on a 200 lb halibut. life’s kinda like fishing, you sit there patiently, waiting, waiting, waiting, and then bam! something great happens and you are on a roll. your fighting, your using your skills, your using your wits, and our praying to god you can reel that fish in. some fish are easier than others, but the fight is like nothing else. we have to remember though, there are times where we will be sitting there waiting for that fish. but i you give up and dont cast back in the water, well, your not going to have a very happy life are you?
this picture is of me at bay to breakers last year. you can barely see them, but i am wearing a pair of women’s jogging tights that are actually fluorescent pink and green. having people stop you while you are running is one of the funniest things ever. i was in a unbelievable slump before that day, and after that day, i was motivated, happy, and ridiculously giddy. i will always remember that day.
say what you want, but i love my hot watermelon polo. my sister took that picture of me when we were in greece together. sitting by the beach, drinking wine, enjoying getting to know each other. its funny, your siblings are there your whole life, but how often of times do you really get to become friends with them. kelly and i aren’t just brother and sister anymore, were good friends. we come to each other for advice, look to each other for motivation, and constantly pick each other up when were down. that brother sister bond will never be broken. traveling to italy and greece was an amazing opportunity for me. it gave me the ability to breathe again.
right now, im a bit ambivalent about something. i guess thats the word to describe it. things are becoming acid washed.
be wary of assumptions. expecting something out of a situation only gets you into trouble. my high school basketball coach used to always tell me, assumptions make ass’ out of u and me (assume). don’t assume things will go your way. my dad used to always tell me that before he prepares for a meeting, he has a few backup plans. he goes, “what happens if your computer doesn’t work and your powerpoints cant come up?” you have to roll with your backup plan, you have to think on your feet, come up with something that will work. i have an interesting mind sometimes. i fluctuate back and forth between things. but i trust my instinct. i trust that i am going to do the right thing when it comes to that. “if your going to stand in the kitchen, you better be willing to take the heat.” – dad
i took the landscape picture on ios in greece. i have no clue how that picture turned out so well, but i feel like it could be on a post card. there were so many moments when we were traveling that i just opened up my journal and wrote page after page after page. i do still write a lot, but i dont write as much as i need to.
the final picture is with my sister in venice. talk about a beautiful city. theres nothing really left to say about that except that some of the best times i have ever had were in italy and greece. those will always be in my heart. i hope i am able to go back to study.
i really make myself laugh sometimes worrying about things. i am completely human. i worry, stress, wonder about the what ifs, the if whens and all those phrases. sometimes we just get bored and go there. its not really a place where you want to be. instead, i am making an active effort to drag myself out of this mood right now and pick myself up.
how can i make the rest of my day better?
go back to my friends that have become increasingly more and more amazing, vent, lift, read, lay out in the sun, soak up life. i think part of the reason why i am feeling like this is actually because i am writing about it. never forgetting where you have come from really means that you have to remember literally where you came from and what has happened. i am not sure why i made this visit to the past today, but i know, now looking at the present, i am one happy camper. but then when you take that visit, its time to let go of those things and move on with what is in the moment, right now. how can i make right now better? smile
the ultimate measure of man is not where he stands in moment of comfort convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
– martin luther king
i wrote the other day “happiness allows for our creativity to flow freely, from which our dreams and goals are turned to color, creating the most beautiful strokes on our life’s canvas.” i have to take my own advice. sometimes when i am painting, there are lots of dark colors. but recently, there are lots of light colors, brilliant strokes of color and emotion. i will paint it pretty soon. today is a stream of consciousness, my mind is all over the place. thinking about old things, thinking about new things, its just a typical shotgun pattern in my head. 21 gun salute style. ill get back to it. ill be fine after i go lift. but it is interesting how i just circled through everything in one day. i guess thats a “wow” for today. but, snap out of it, keep kicking ass. its important who you never forget who you are, and never let anyone tell you you aren’t beautiful.