The Last Gift

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There’s not much else I can offer. This is the last thing I have to give. Bear with me for a second, because there is something at the end besides the next lines. These past few weeks, I have been writing a lot. About anything, about everything that has been going on in my life. I have been struggling, been fighting for something. Its shown up in my writing almost every day. The truth is that I don’t want to give up on it. The reality is is that I have no control. My heart has beat a little weaker over the past month. Its lost and looking to me for help, and I can’t tell it anything. I have been barraged by memories, emotions, and feelings. And as hard as I have tried to keep it from ending up here…it has. I have a irreplaceable piece missing, and as much as I want that piece back, that piece is down deep in the sand and I can’t find it anymore. I have so sit on the beach, waiting for that piece to uncover itself again. No digging in the world will find it, no amount of help from anyone will help uncover it, no words will bring it back. That piece might never come back again…and thats the honest truth, a truth that I am having to deal with every day. For now, I have to feed my faith, and let my fears starve.

My blog is about me and my life. What is going on, how I am affected by things, and the ways I am going about fixing them. However, my writing still has references to things that have happened lately. I guess that is partly what this whole thing is about. Its about the events that shape us, change us, break us apart and build us back together again. But this… was one of the hardest of them all. It broke me to pieces. I am not looking for the answers right now, but I am looking for peace. I can walk with those pieces separated for a while, and still be walking. I’ve never been good at putting puzzles back together, and this one is going to take me some time. I don’t know if I am doing the right thing. This is why my relationship with God has suffered in the past. It is so hard to have faith in something that you cannot see, touch, feel, or have any proof from. I have rejected him in the past, disregarded his signs, and amongst other things, ignored him. Up until this year, that was the path that I was taking. I decided that walk directly off that bad path and run through the brush, full of thorns and barbs, until I can reach the other path. I am almost there. I can almost see the other path. I am fighting for that as hard as I can. Paths are scary to walk alone sometimes though.

I write because I care. But today, something hit me hard. This is not easy for anyone. All of this, this situation, these feelings, its hard. Thats it. Its just hard. So, this is my final act of selflessness. Its all I have left anymore. I am not lying when I say this. My final gift is privacy. No more will these feelings, these emotions, this hurt… make it in these posts anymore.  Its all I got. Time to pick all the pieces up again.

With great love,

ev

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