This Beautiful Pain

My music and I have a very interesting relationship.

I could name four or five songs for every mood I am in. Once I put those earbuds in I’m in my own private world and feel like I can just disappear.

I can close my eyes, forget about everything and breathe. It’s almost like when I put my music in and walk around outside my eyes are closed in some sort of way.

My ipod is packed with Eminem right now. I can’t really listen to anything else. I didn’t think I would be listening to that same Recovery CD I was a year ago. But here I am for better or for worse. So let me tell you this…

Today is about how beautiful you are.

This song is intense.

There is so much feeling, passion, pain, you name it. It’s all there. I know its not off of Recovery, but it has the same feeling to it.

I listen to this song for a lot of different reasons, a lot of them I don’t want to explain right now, but what I do want to say one thing. The ending lines resonate with my heart.

“God gave you shoes to fit you. So put ‘em on and wear ‘em. Be yourself man, be proud of who you are. Even if it sounds corny. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you ain’t beautiful.” Beautiful, Eminem

There are so many things that happen that make you feel like you’re not beautiful.

But we all are no matter what has happened. You can never tell yourself that you can’t change. When you tell yourself that, you are essentially saying that you aren’t good enough. You can’t feed yourself with that type of negativity when you’re going through pain.

I want to disappear for a month.

Go spend some time in the mountains somewhere…not talk to anyone…just me. Right now, that feels like the best thing for me to do. This is not a grab for attention, but truthfully a feeling I have mulling in my chest right now. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.

Nights are the hardest…too much time to think.

I am trying to made out of true grit. Sometimes the hardest things to do in life are the ones that you have to subject yourself to. What I mean by this is taking the high road. Like I wrote the other day, being a man of integrity sometimes hurts. I have promised myself to take the high road and do what I know is right in my heart.

These decisions I am making are pure.

only everything will do

Do you think I want to be silent for a month? No, of course not. In fact, to my body that sounds absolutely absurd considering the aching and itching I am going through. But in my mind, it is the right thing to do.

I am sacrificing.

Sacrificing everything I want and need for others. I hope that is appreciated, and also seen for how unbelievably hard that is. That is for a person who I have talked to every day for more than six months…who has seen me at my worst and heard literally everything about me.

In a world where people say “time is short” I am feeling like time is awfully long right now. But I remember that time speeds up, and life goes on.

The most important thing is, don’t let anyone tell you you aren’t beautiful.

I have said it before, when everyone’s gone, it’s going to be just you. At that point, you will really know who you are. We don’t have to wait for that though. We can see how beautiful we are now.

The fact that I know in my mind that this healing is going to take six months to a year minimum absolutely sucks.

It might take more. Time is not on my side. But, writing will always be here for me, and a year from now, I will have written 375 posts. This originally was intended to be 30 days to a better man…but we all know that project is never ending.

I feel like a florescent lightbulb right now.

I have flicked the switch back on…but it’s going to take time for that light to warm up. I can tell you though, when that light finally does come to full force…I am going to become the brightest lightbulb you have seen. It’s not arrogance, it’s a promise.

Love others, love like crazy…but most of all, love being you.

-Evan Sanders, The Better Man Project

 

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